words aren’t enough to express the deep, heart felt emotions that I had for but were never reciprocated and I can’t tell you the countless times my mind starts to wonder and gravitates towards the thought of you. you were one of my closest friends and somebody I felt like I could tell anything too, you listened to me and always gave me rational feedback when I needed it, you liked me for me (which was one of the best things), and you were easily one of the most beautiful people i’ve ever laid eyes on. it wasn’t just your looks that made you beautiful but it was your almost sunflower like personality and aura that you had around you, you always could brighten my day up no matter what I was going through and would go out of your way to make me feel loved, you were honestly one of the best and worst things to happen to me. whenever I first confessed my feelings to you I was shot down in an instant saying that you didn’t want to ruin our friendship but then proceeded to get jealous and told me that you made a mistake not getting with me when I was already with somebody else. honestly as soon as you told me that my heart skipped a beat, I was overcome with joy and was trying to find a way to cut things off with the other person (I know that sounds shitty) as soon as possible. I cut her off but you didn’t believe me which broke my heart and told me that I only said yes to getting with you to get back at you for shooting me down, that honestly hurt me the most. I would never in any way, shape, or form do anything to harm you or make you feel sad, all I wanted was for you to be happy no matter the circumstance but all my struggling was for not when you told me that you didn’t want to get with me anymore. I fell into a state of depression you could say because the girl of my dreams was so close yet so far away just nearly out of reach and I just couldn’t grasp her, we still remained friends after everything that happened but continuing our friendship just made me fall even harder for you as each day passed. we had a yearbook class together and we sat next to each other and talked the whole time every single day without getting much of our work done but we didn’t care. I proceeded to confess my feelings towards you another time but I just got the same result as last time which really bummed me out but I still didn’t want to lose you because you were such a bit part of my life and I wanted to keep you in it no matter what. my feelings kept going stronger and stronger and I had enough of keeping it all to myself to deal with, I called you after I got back from a family dinner confessing yet again how I felt about you. I probably sounded like a broken record player but I didn’t care I just wanted things to work so bad, you stuttered for a bit after I was done talking and said that nobody had ever done this before and been so passionate about it but yet again I received the same exact results and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I cried while me and her were still on the phone and hung up and continued to cry until my mom came upstairs to check and see what was going on with me. the next day I told you that I didn’t think it was good that we continued to be such close friends in the state that I was in, I blocked her number and snapchat and we didn’t even communicate let alone sit next to each other in the class we had together for the rest of the year. It felt terrible but I was starting to put my feelings first and not hers, I hadn’t talked to her all summer and was hoping when school started we did not have a class together but the world has such a way of doing things it’s mind boggling and we somehow got in the same psychology class my last year of highschool. I continued to avoid her even in the same class but I honestly just wanted to talk to her again, she looked so pretty and her laugh was as dorky as ever which made her 10x cuter. midway through the first quarter I casually walked up to her and broke the silence, I told her I was finally over her and that we could continue our friendship and she was overjoyed saying how much she missed talking to me and how much she wanted to tell me. I was ecstatic and a little hesitant to rekindle things because I just got over her and didn’t want to get stuck in the loop again but thankfully that didn’t happen. we weren’t as close as before but I was just content talking to her on a normal basis, one day she told me she started talking to a new guy and how she really likes him and that felt TERRIBLE. I wanted to be that guy to make her happy, smile, laugh but sadly I couldn’t and that’s the harsh reality, she seems really happy with him and that’s all I care about but I just find my mind wondering towards her and just think about what could’ve been but will never be.
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