I think about disappearing everyday. Not just walking away. Vanishing wholly from the world. In a way that would mean, no one, NO ONE, would even recognize that I'm gone. I feel so empty and lonely. All the time. So cold and hopeless. I am engaged. I have a daughter. I have people who care about me. That all being known, I still wish there was a way I could vanish and that those who love and care for me wouldn't be the wiser. As if I never existed at all, but the benefits I have provided for those I care for remained up to my vanishing. I'm so tired all the time, yet I can never sleep. I sit in my rooms staring at nothing. I drag all those around me down because I can't enjoy anything unless I am allowed to focus on it and ignore everything else. Even then, I'm not entertained. I'm simply comfortable. I have never once felt "wanted". I am not unfortunate looking. I have scars and am overweight, but not in a way that turns people away. I have had lovers and been in long relationships. Yet, I only feel like I matter and am wanted when I have sex. A feeling that is so fleeting that I go back to default empty less than a day later if I can't keep having see. I feel addicted but as I've not had sex in months and haven't done anything dumb, I'd say I'm not addicted. That said, the feeling never goes away with out the sex, so I'm always trying for it. To the point that my A-sexual life partner, whom I adore, becomes insulted by my advances. Which makes.me feel like garbage and makes me not want to ever bring it up again. However, the way I'm built pushes me to bringing it up way too often. All that aside, I try very hard. Every day I push myself to be a good person. To not give in to the desire to hurt myself. To hurt men. To leave every one. To do what's morally correct, no matter how hard it is. But I'm failing. I talk too much. I'm suppress being excited because it makes others feel uncomfortable. I cry all the time when I'm alone. I am writing this long winded crop piece in order to compensate for the fact that I have no one, I feel, I can talk to without being judged, hated or become a problem to solve. I found a forum to start talking about all the pain and suffering I've felt and inflicted. Just like always, I'm told.my story sounds "fake". I ignore the comments and instead chose to stay silent because, to me, that's calling me a liar. This makes me feel dejected, hated, want to to terrible things to them. I mean, atrocious, go's awful, torturous things that would cause others to not die, but live a long life in constant pain and emotional suffering. Knowing that is wrong, I suppress the desire to destroy things, others and myself. When I was younger, I would give in and go to a bar. Get drunk. Devastate the first man who annoyed me. For any reason. Sometimes none at all. Even this is questioned. Told a lie. Told false. I've been shot, stabbed, mauled by a dog, drowned, thrown myself in front of speeding cars, jumped from a speeding bike into a telephone pole at 30 mph, beaten to a pulp and left for dead, crushed by a half tonne van. All this didn't even compare to the pain being abused, becoming engaged to my abuser, getting her pregnant and then finding out she and my child died while I was at work. I was so numb and broken I just walked away then. No one noticed. I came back 5 years later and no one even noticed then. Since then, I've made friends. Watched them leave or die. Rekindled family connections, only for them to die or use me and then ignore me completely. I always feela.so over dramatic. Like everything thats happened to me is just something that happens to everyone. Then I get the, " I don't know. Sounds made up." shit again. It makes me feel rage well up in me every time. Unbearable rage. I try to find a means to let go of the anger and I've developed a mechanism that let's me just forget it's there. Until something triggers me. Even then, I'm so afraid of hurting those that I love that I just punch myself in the face and head until I black out or have a massive headache. I've been doing it more and more. I find myself sitting alone for hours a day wanting to pummel myself with absolutely no provocation. It's like I'm toxic to myself. I don't talk to any one about what I really feel because I don't want to be "fixed". I just want to vanish. No matter how many therapists I've seen. No matter how many pills I take. I loathe that I exist and that there is no one that wants me the way I want to be wanted. They either need me as they are my fiance, child or other dependant; or they don't really see me and just humor me. Then I realize. I'm just being selfish again. I have to do what's right. I have to provide. So I push all of it down and "forget" about it all. For the time being. One day. I'll find a way to erase myself from this world. Or at least be wanted. Not because I'm of use. But because I'm genuinely wanted.

2 years ago

Be the first to comment!