It took me awhile to open my heart again. I did and again I was just entertainment or a place holder. I've been thinking about killing myself all day, I've been begging god to kill me. I'm so tired of having to rebuild after I get involved with callous cruel people. Its not that I need to be in a relationship , its that I want to and when somebody decides to love me I go all in. Or when I think its love. Im the one who ended it because I could reqd the writing on the wall. The withdrawal of affection and the mockery of my professions of my affection. I keep going over it and trying to unjustify what I did. I just wanted it to be real this time. It felt real for me, I would go back in an instant, but I know I was just a fling a placeholder. Its so cruel how love can blind you. I really wanted it, I really love them. I'm going to just sleep and work until I feel better. Maybe try to eat without the aide of alcohol. I just feel crushed and devastated. I'm so hurt.

2 years ago

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