Is it time to leave? Will I ever know for certain? I keep waiting for something. Some sign, telling me what path to take. Maybe things will get better. Maybe they won’t. I just want an answer. But I know Im waiting on a resolution that won’t come. I’ll never know anything with certainty. I’ve never been a very certain person anyhow. So maybe the time is now. Before more pain. Before more longing. Loneliness... Even the good things in life find a way of breeding pain. With new beginnings come eventual ends. With love comes grief. With connection comes disconnect... fading. Maybe that’s what I need. To fade away. Why can’t that be “option c”? I just want to disappear, be free from existence without hurting the ones that I care about. Why am I stuck here? I don’t want to mess with the intricacies and consequences of death. But I could say the very same about life. It’s not as if being alive does not come with so many complications and consequences. Quite the opposite in fact. And there’s the ugliness of it. The push and pull of existence. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be dead. For my family’s sale if nothing else. It’s hard to think of reasons to stay for myself. I don’t think I can ever escape my awareness of what this world is, and I don’t see finding peace in this awareness. How could I leave ... how could I stay? How much can I take? How much am I willing to take? I mean it when I say I hate it here. Every good moment is laced with this shared reality of violence, confusion, hatred, loss, war, pain. Pain. Pain. It all hurts doesn’t it? It always comes back to what is truly the essence of this universe—suffering. Maybe it’s time to go.

2 years ago

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