There are a lot of things running through my mind. First... awhile ago one of my friends.. lets call her susan got a boyfriend... and shocker. she ditched me the moment he came around and it really hurt but I tried to just brush it off. and I really wanted to say that it was fine. but I don't really think it is because her and I both talked about how whenever all of my friends go and get boyfriends they just ditch me and then she turned around and did the same thing. which I think sucks... but I guess ill just get over it. just like I do everything else. and it just kinda sucks because I'm kinda tired of being alone but the truth is like I'm not. but I feel like I am because like. no one ever reaches out to me first. I'm the one reaching out first. and I'm beginning to feel like their therapist and not their friend and that really just sucks. but yeah. also there's this boy I'm in love with but we wont ever work out so I just have to move on and learn how to view him as a friend. but you might be thinking... it can't be that bad like how much history can yall have... 4 years. we have years of this whole half flirting and missing each other crap. but the thing is. I'm afraid to even fully just say f it and try kissing because i don't want to loose him and if he's not my forever then i think dating would just push him away for good and i don't want to loose him. hell i can't loose him because he's the one person that checks on me whenever he knows no else does because he knows my tells and that's something no one else knows. also I'm trying to be a photographer and I'm feeling really uninspired and everytime i try to its just so hard to see a future in and I'm also trying to be a writer but all of these things just feel like a long shot because how am i even supposed to do this when I'm only just an adult. and i totally get that I'm depressed like we all know it. but sometimes being depressed is just too hard and i just want to be normal. and even writing this is draining me but i have to because no one else talks to me. and I'm tried of just scrolling through tiktok or watching Netflix to waste time. i want to be productive and have something to show for my life. but i don't have anything. just a depressed hella lonely and heartbroken bitch.

1 year ago

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