I still feel like a kid. Those moments of childish worry and uncertainty. Then I feel like an adult. Nothing feels real anymore. I feel stupid to even talk about it. Everyone is just the same, aren’t they? I’ve never been myself. I don’t know who “I” am. I put up some sort of personality for everyone. Friends, family, my girlfriend. It’s very sad. Not in the way of crying, but in the way that makes my chest ache. Today was an okay day. I was on my phone talking to friends. I was drawing for hours and hours. I feel stupid. People love my girlfriend so much, and she’s small, cute, and shy. Nobody likes me. They’ve never seen me. “Oh, how edgy, and boring,” you probably think. I’m useless. They say to be yourself, but how can I, when I get the feeling even I don’t like it. If I can’t like myself, how can others? How can I deem myself useful, or worth it? It’s silly. I have good days, and then, at night, I feel like i should never have existed. I think about things deeply. I contemplate. I wish it was okay. I wish everything was okay. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone, but I feel like I need to talk to people or I’ll collapse on myself. I’m scared, but I’m not at the same time. I feel like I need to tell a story, and make an imprint, before I die. How silly, isn’t it? I wish that I was never born, but now I wish that something from me would never die. All I’ve wanted, for so many years, was peace. I don’t need to be happy. I just don’t want to feel bad. But I am. And I can’t make it stop. People love my friends, and my girlfriend, but it feels like everyone has issues with me. Maybe it’s gotten to the point where I AM collapsing on myself. There’s a little over 3,000 characters available. I wonder where I should start. I used to be happy. I had too many struggles with schooling and my family. Maybe they’d miss me, but it wouldn’t last for too long. As I grew up, things got worse. I started cutting, I even tried drugs, 3 times. I have ADHD and I’m 95% sure I have Autism. It’s making things worse. I don’t know how to keep things from falling apart. I started trying to collect donations for when I get kicked out of my house. I feel like a fraud every time I spend a bit of money, even if I put all the donations into my savings. I haven’t finished school, I can’t attend college. Im too stupid for it, I can’t process things correctly. I should die instead of suffering. People say “But your family and friends will miss you.” But isn’t it selfish of them to ask me to stay in pain for so long. I have 5 siblings, my parents have spares. Im not the oldest or the youngest, so it wouldnt matter. They don’t need me. My girlfriend attempted suicide recently. She doesn’t need me. I can’t help her. Im so tired all the time and she just wants to spend time with me. Why do I sit and think of dying, but never actually try? What point is there in complaining if I have a way to fix it? I read that people have different reasons for suicide. Some are in pain, physical and emotional. Some are neglected. My reason? I don’t know. I think my reason for killing myself would be that I’m too weak to go on. I’m too scared to make changes. I don’t want to be sad anymore. Is that really such a wrong thing-? Is that too much to ask for? I make too many mistakes. They hurt me. I try to fix it, and only make more. I wish I knew how to explain everything to you, but even now, I don’t know how, and I don’t know how long you’ll be here. I’m so small, insignificant, and after this, I know you’ll forget me, too. Why am I still here? I love my girlfriend, so, so much, but I can’t do anything for her except make her worse. Im tired of worrying if Im being too dramatic, or if I’m a fake. Im just tired. Please. I just want to go. I don’t like myself, or any version of myself. Nobody’s perfect, but I’m not in the same area as everyone else. Im one of the furthest away from “perfect” you can get. By now I’ve reached 4,000, I’m unsure if I’ll attempt tonight and be successful. I’m unsure of every single day. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to the doctor. I hurt my leg several months ago. Im supposed to go to work later in the week. Im supposed to talk to my friends. My girlfriend. I can’t apologize. Nobody will take it. I’m stuck feeling sorry for myself with no way of easing it, even just a little. I don’t want these to be my last words. This is crudely written, jumbled, and not much makes sense. I don’t want to be remembered, or forgotten, like this. 4,600 now, there’s not much space left. I’ve never known what to say. I’m glad I got a chance to live. I’m glad I was able to meet so many good people. But I’m tired. My girlfriend has dissociative identity disorder. I feel stupid for wanting it. I want to be able to hide inside my head forever, and eventually fade away without anyone knowing. But this is the end of the box now. Thank you for staying.

2 years ago

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