Over the past week I've been on a business trip, and during that time I have, for the first time, been able to be truly myself around other people. I've always been under the impression that I was too strange to hang with a crowd, yet now I have actual friends and people to talk to who actually /want/ to hang with me. Yet, after the first day of my shenanigans where we hung out for hours, I walked away regretting everything I had done and said. I wasn't thinking that they must think I'm wierd or that I creep them out, but just that I was too strange of a person. I used to be so suicidal that I genuinely wished I didn't wake up in the morning. I used to hate myself so much I'd carve into my chest just so I can watch myself bleed in the mirror. I thought I had conquired that, I thought I had bested that part of me, but I guess deep down I truly absolutely still completely hate myself down to the core. I had accepted that I'd think about suicide sometimes my whole life, but I guess I'll have to live with this feeling, too, won't I?

2 years ago

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