Ya know I want to die. Well I actually just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know why, I don’t think I ever will. But I do think that my life has already been wasted away. The only things keeping me grounded are my family, and kassidi. I don’t want to feel this way. I never do. I try not to for my mom, dad and others. I wish I didn’t feel this way, I try so hard to bottle all of my feeling but I know One day they are going to all come flooding out. My life feels meaningless, everyday that passes feels like a fever dream I can never remember. Life goes by to quickly. I wish I was kid again. I wish I didn’t have to cry at night because I can’t sleep. I wish I could tell people what’s going on with me, but I can’t. I can’t do that to my mom. She’s too stressed as it is. With my sister and others problems. I can’t do that to My sister , she’s suicidal as it is and I know I’m one of the few people trying to stop her from wanted to do when a lot of people want to do. I can’t do that to my dad, who works hard everyday to put food on the table, who works hard to take care of the family. To take care of me. I can’t do that to my brother. Because he’s my brother and I love him like the rest of my family. I can’t do that to my best friend , because she is my sister in everything but blood. I have to stay strong for everyone because I know that if I break it would be just too much for anyone to handle. I know the day break won’t be a good one. I may loose very healthy relationships. I hate crying. So I don’t know why I am right now. I just want to tell someone but I can’t. It’s too hard. The only way I can express my emotions is through writing it down, hopping someone will find it and know what’s going on. I can never get clarity. I can never feel okay. I need to stay quiet or people will yell at me, I need to be unseen or I will be in the way. I need to do everything right,because “it’s never good enough” right? I have a perfect family, and perfect life so why am I this way? Why why why why. I don’t want to be this way. I want, I need to be perfect so everything in my life will stay normal. I need everything to stay normal. I hate being alone. I can’t stop crying. I just can’t. I think I’m having a panic attack. I just can’t stop crying. It won’t stop. It’s been an hour. I can’t breath. I can’t breath I don’t like panic attacks ,I don’t want to have any, anymore. I want to go upstairs and hug my mom but I’m too scared I might disturb her and I might cause to many problems. I just want my mom. I want someone The tears won’t stop I’m alone. I’m dizzy I want to sleep but I can’t. It’s too hard. I can’t move properly

1 year ago

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