my feelings ig.

fuck it im dying. each day feels the exact same, i feel the exact same each day. nothing makes these feelings go away for longer than a few minutes. its like whenever im happy i feel like it'll last forever but at the same time when im happy i feel so utterly vunerable. i feel so alone, so abandoned, so fucking hated. which ya i am but if im being honest i deserve all the pain that comes to me even the pain that i inflict on myself because ya ive ruined people whole lives, theyll never feel the same again. its my fault. i made it happen, i hurt them and i knew that i was doing it so ya you cant deny that im a bad person. i feel constant guilt, every second of everyday. its the only emotion i feel anymore. i kinda feel safe when i feel sad and ya i know that makes no sense but its like when im sad i know that i cant get hurt more. so my feelings are safe. just so many thoughts are running through my mind each and every single second. my mind is just filled with thoughts spiraling inside of my head but i cant even control it. on the other hand my adhd is making it even harder to control and i cant stop zoning out and dissociating. its like i dont even feel real anymore, i feel emotionless and numb. i can barely even cry any longer. i dont feel real at all i look at my hands and they honestly dont even feel like mine. they feel like someone elses. the world looks blurry and off, like a goddamn simulation. i look at myself in the mirror and i know it isnt me, its like im someone else. when i look in the mirror i cant help but notice the zits and pimples on my face, the deep purple bags under my eyes that cause disgusting creases under my eyes, the black heads that cover my big nose, my shiny greasy hair and the scabs that cover my forehead. I hate myself so much, every little part about myself. the way i act, the way i walk, the way i sit, my voice, my hair, my scabs, my acne, my nails, my feet, my stomach, my neck, my nose just legit everything. my pain has never been easy to cope with, no coping mechanisms work. none, so i turned to the only thing i thought that would help which is cvtting. it does. it still fucking does after all this time. i mean to be honest it feels so much better than it did when i first started. i do deserve it though, all those sleepless nights, all those text messages, all those ruined friendships, being insulted, being s3xu@lly a$$aulted, all the things ive heard and saw i deserved it all. im the bad one after all. i tried to stop cvtting by turning to st3al1ng but that only lasted for the while. im the dissapointment of the family, the fuckup, the one that hurts all the other kids, the one no body wanted to hang out with, the one everyone talked about. it was me. i wish that i was a normal kid with a standable life. i wish that i didnt want to k!ll myself. its all i can think about is just su!c1de, i cant even look a car without imagining myself running full force infront of it. i wanna just sl!t my wr!sts until i bl33d out on the floor. i want to see bl00d, bl00d, bl00d until i get sick of looking at it which i wont. i find bl00d truly intriging and beautiful, its like it speaks to me. the color is just gorgeous and everything about it is. the sad thing is to be honest is that i dont even feel pain when i cvt myself. im numb, it numbs my thoughts and it makes it all okay again. at least for a while. then it doesnt and the feeling fades away. its just all that i can think about is just cvtt1ng. i want to have deep purple sc@rs cover my entire body or red one. they make me unique they make me feel beautiful. its like i dont feel like myself unless theres cvts covering my body. people ask me ''does it hurt'' the answer is no, it used to but i got to attached and used to it so now it doesnt. the reality is that im just a worthless 12 year old ''girl'' that people view as a th!ef, a ''brocken'' girl, a girl thats dad is going to jail, the girl that doesnt live with her mom and to be honest there right im nothing more than that. dont you think that im doing the right thing by causing myself pain? because i mean i am a bad person after all. i tried to find someone to love me after all of that, i thought i found someone. we dated. i broke up with her for liking others. we dated again. she lost feelings. she said we can date again but shes fucking around with one of my bsfs. that would be fine exept for the fact that i cant even get over her. i still love her after all that shes done to me. im going mental, im an asshole, im losing it, im worthless ya i know so dont even bother to comment it. you know what i think im going to do is just cvt myself tonight and make the pain go away. in fact i know i am going to. maybe ill make it past the night maybe i wont. what do you think? i mean you probably dont care im just a stranger on the internet to you. i hope this makes me feel valid.