I don't have any real thing to say, my problems aren't as high stakes as anyone else. I don't have any trauma. I'm not a good person. I'm just someone who has no one and nothing to blame for her problems but herself. The closest thing I have to actual first hand trauma is the state government constantly trying to make life hell for me just because I'm trans, and even then I'm not special. And in spite of how awesome my life is (I started hormones at 17, I've got a lovely family, lovely friends, and a lovely girlfriend), I can't shake this feeling that I'm the worst human being alive. I know that's probably not true, but God dammit, I'm hurting and I want it to stop. Even though my sibling doesn't blame me for a shitty thing I, albeit indirectly, did to them when I was 13, and never did, I'm still wracked with guilt on the matter because I'm a pathetic little girl who can't comprehend that not everything is about her. There's other people, you selfish asshole. I'm too afraid of hurting my loved ones to die, but I'm worried that I'm hurting too strongly to live. I need help, but I don't think I'm ever going to be able to use it to its full extent. Or worse, I am able to use it to its full extent and I'm still thinking about making soggy toast. But it doesn't matter. The point is, something has got to give.

2 years ago

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