My life is the sort you wouldn’t believe if it were a movie. I never tell people because I think that instead of believing me they will think I am psychotic. But I am not. I do have PTSD from my life and depression. At one time I thought people would think I was strong for making it through what I did. However after sharing my secrets with a select few and having half of them look at me with that strange look and then never talk to me again, I decided never to share. In a very, very nutshell of a telling, I had to change my entire identity as a teenager due to domestic violence. My dad failed at a murder suicide and was still trying to locate us afterwards. This was hard for my identity; I felt like my life was a lie and I had a facade… a thick wall. I tried to blend in as much as possible. Tried to always act normal even when things fell apart. My brother was in a horrific accident next and I acted like I was okay. My dad was then murdered. But no one where I lived even knew I had a dad that was ever in my life. I don’t think I really told anyone about it. I survived and the worst was when I finally attempted to take my wall down and tell my story, people didn’t want to hear it. It was too crazy and somehow my struggle seemed to be a flaw of my character because I was related to those who harmed me. I went through a horrible, emotionally abusive marriage with a narcissist who I now own was probably just suffering in a way he needed to make others suffer. Then I found the love of my life. And I love him immeasurably. But he has left me, first because I wouldn’t talk to him about the past, which concerned him, but then because I did which concerned him more. And then Covid and my ptsd flared up and I began drinking to dull the pain so he left again. I already felt like our relationship wouldn’t last but it somehow did and I gave up drinking and have put in so much effort to make this relationship work! But I am not seeing a return. I think he cares and is just oblivious but it hurts. It has been a couple of months and he hasn’t told his kids he is even talking to me. He said he stopped talking to me (he has been borderline ignoring me) because he didn’t want to disturb me when I started counseling… a couple of weeks ago I had a hotel for us which he left me in alone because he was going to drop his kids off at the airport and due to his poor planning (which I warned him about) he missed his kids’ flight so I had to stay in the hotel alone. He felt bad but he never really showed any effort after that and I am so upset and frustrated by not even seeing him this last month when we live in the same town! Yes he was out of town for 5 days and then was sick… I should give him some credit. But all of this put together? He is the only one I have ever truly loved and I feel like he loves me. But I am seeing no effort. So just now I told him misunderstandings are natural when you don’t see each other for as long as we have not seen each other, but I need space. I told him if he gets a couples counselor like we agreed to when we started seeing each other again I am 100% in. I guess I feel that no one can accept my past and I am lucky to have a guy who will even give me a chance. Due to PTSD, which I am actively working on, I have a lot of issues. But my heart is big and I want to help others. I am such a loyal person. If I let someone into my circle they aren’t leaving. I feel so wretched telling this person I love to basically leave alone. It hurts to love him so much and feel ignored and also feel like he loves me all at the same time. Sigh. Thanks for the vent…
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