I know that I should make the most of things and be happy because life is short. I just can't help it. Logically, I should be completely fine and just move on! Five more years and I'm free to do whatever I want, and even now I've got some control. If I take care of this meatsack, it should function for a long time. But no, I just have to worry about shit! Did I say the right thing? I probably fucked everything up, I'm so stupid. My hair's a mess. I have problems and I can't stop them because any solution I find either requires me to bring a person into this mess and I frankly don't trust people enough, nor am I willing to make the people I care about worry because I can't get my shit together. And the motivation drops. Like, I would LOVE to get this assignment done! But reading a different thing every night and answering a question I come up with myself? Doing 11 different assignments on the same subject when just the one where I read several articles and answer like, twenty questions would do? I have math that I don't care about to do. Cleaning my room? Talking to someone? Taking a shower? I just can't. Even when I force myself to I do a half-ass job. I lie a lot. I take snacks from downstairs. I'm breaking rules right now just by being here. My mom still thinks I'm a good kid, and there is no trust between my dad, my brother, and I except for when my brother was given a pocketknife because why not. I'm morally ambiguous at worst and a dumb kid at best. Part of me wants to set the world on fire and the other part wants to help people. And there's nothing I can do to help myself. Sleeping? Even when I actually tried I couldn't. Eating three meals a day? I don't get hungry at breakfast. Talking to people about my problems? "People" would be my little brother who has his own shit to deal with and frankly is a bit of an asshole, my dad who happens to be part of the problem and doesn't listen or remember anyways, and my mom and I just don't want her to worry about me. Going outside? In winter it's cold and my hands hurt, in fall it's rainy, spring is rainy, summer is rainy and cicadas scream in my face, and if I'm outside for too long I start getting nausea. Doing stuff I enjoy? Writer's block, art block, my dad wants me to listen to music less, and the videos I watch are getting stale. My brain doesn't respond to logical thinking, at least not the kind that gets it to be happy. I feel weak and helpless and I just want everything to stop but I want to keep going. Everything feels wrong. I don't know how it fix it. What's wrong with me? Why can't I fix it? I should be able to fix it! It's my brain, why can't I just get it to work right?

2 years ago

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