I am so sad. I have a boyfriend and we've been together for nine months. He treats me so well. Before this I was in a really toxic relationship where I was emotionally abused and manipulated for almost a year. It's been hard for me to get through all of that stuff from that, since I am in a generally really healthy relationship now with the love of my life. I've worked through a lot with him and it is really great like 80% of the time (he would say it's less than 80%, but that's besides the point). We as a couple struggle with arguments primarily. We are both extremely angry people. One little thing will happen and 30 minutes later it has turned into this huge thing that we've gotten so far deep into and all we do is get deeper. Neither one of us is ever really willing to stop the argument, except that's kind of a lie. He is a lot more willing to than I am. I am a lot more extreme and stubborn and mean when I'm angry and like 90% of the time it is him who apologizes to finally end the argument. I know that and I have acknowledged that numerous times. Our communication is really good. we talk about our arguments after the fact, how we can be better. At the beginning of our relationship, our arguments used to be really really awful. We would just tear each other apart for hours until one of us walked away. For awhile they got better and recently we talked and I told him I'm gonna try really hard to work on my self control and stop being mean when I'm angry. But it's so hard for me. And for awhile I would just freak out and he would stay calm (to me, like not give in and argue back) but then he would brood for hours. Recently, we've started being mean to each other again. It gets so out of control so quickly. It's not as bad because we are both doing it to each other so there's no real "victim" but its not fun for either of us and I guess in theory if we both yell and get our anger out, then we would feel better but that never happens. We yell and argue and go back and forth and when one of us (usually him) apologizes, we are still weird. Except Usually I do feel better and I want to go back to normal and reconcile but he never does. It's all so hard and confusing and I can't really explain it. I feel like I mainly try really hard to reconcile after our argument, but he's never willing. And i'm actually really understanding of that. I get really really angry and freak out and then immediately calm down. he gets angry and STAYS angry, except when he's mean back then I feel like it can calm down quicker bc he's getting that anger out. I digress. because I have other things I need to say. I struggle with a lot, I am insecure and paranoid that he is gonna stop loving me. He is always so reassuring. But i have a tendency to take everything personally and very seriously. Another thing is I have abandonment issues. And whenever he leaves me to do anything i get really sad and upset. I used to be really awful at this and i would lash out and be really mean while he was out/before he went out. But i've gotten a lot better. It's never been about "you should be hanging out with me, not them, you dick" it's just bc i feel abandoned and i act out. Mostly it's just sadness and disappointment and panic about being alone. I like to share these feelings with him but today we were already sort of arguing?? i told him i wasnt mad just disappointed he was leaving and he was an absolute dick to me. he was like "if youre gonna act mad then im gonna think ur mad and im gonna get mad" (thats a whole OTHER thing) and i explained i wasnt mad and how i felt and he was still a dick. and he told me how awful it is when he goes out because i feel bad and i ruin his time out. and that made me feel really awful and i told him i'll stop telling him how i feel so he can have a good time and i was being genuine like not trying to guilt trip him at all but some reassurance would have been nice that I can tell him how I feel, but he didn't do that. he said "okay" and i was like thats all? and he was like "i dont know what to say" i am hurting so bad. I have more thoughts but they're hard to verbalize.