well... here I go. this will be long but I truly hope someone reads this and just hears my story. ever since quarantine started I've felt more and more trapped inside my own body... idk what it is but I'm almost certain that it is depression. fast forward a good year where everything is turning semi normal, I decide to tell my mom playfully that I think I need a therapist. keep in mind my mother is very stuck in her own ways. Good thing I did it when my brother was there so that I would have someone there to mediate the situation if it got out of hand, which it did. She proceeded to ask me if I was serious multiple times and I said yes and she asks y.. I said I just feel sad sometimes.. I didn't wanna say depression because it probably would've turned out even worse. she then says, "oh you feel sad? you feel sad? get out and go feel happy. Go" now obviously that isn't word for word what she says but it is generally what happened. being told by your own mother to get out is the worst. feeling. now clearly so much crying happened that night, and yelling. She never got me that therapist. she said it was a serious issue and that getting a therapist would be too much. so u can see now that my mom and i's relationship isn't that good. if I have a single attitude with her she puts the " being sad" thing in my face and says "you say you're sad but you always make me feel unhappy when you have attitudes with me." victim blaming.. and I know its not my fault.. but she thinks she does everything right it drives me fucking nuts. I wish I never told her. my whole life I've been insecure about my body... so much that I even changed my body for a boy! when I was in middle school I got my first crush. I was a chubby kid lol. he then pointed out that I was fat and it broke me. now being fat isn't something to be shamed about, but I was a kid and the beauty standard was skinny! in under a year I got skinny.. believe it or not. when I turned skinny so many people pointed out the fact that I had no ass and it broke me then too. its like you cant please anybody,,, ever. now I'm in high-school, and overweight. and I try to starve myself all the time. yet I cant lose weight? I don't get it. I ended up finding wonderful friends online! it made me sooo happy again truly. until I started feeling like they were neglecting me. I just feel so unwanted all, the time. I tried committing, but I was so scared for some reason I didn't do it. I just couldn't handle the pain. I still cant. as I'm crying making this idk what to do. I feel weak, mentally and physically, physically mostly because I don't eat as much. but it's supposed to all change, right? Even right now I feel like I'm overreacting. I always do. idk if this is all in my head or what. Going outside obviously would help with depression, but anytime I ask to go out with my friends its always no. but she doesn't say y? and when I ask she just says because she said so... which obviously isn't a definite answer. I never go outside and have fun, at all. its summer.. why cant I have fun? so i'm stuck home with her all the time. may I mention that I am in high-school. in conclusion, I cannot wait to turn 18 and have a little bit more freedom and get the help I really want. also if u read all this I appreciate it.. it helps knowing someone is listening.
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