..

i hope none of this triggers you, if it does then i'm sorry. i just cant stand living anymore i feel like i'm not supposed to be here and no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend, no one can even stand being around me, i'm so lonely in school and i lie to my family about being happy and having friends so they don't worry about all that, i cut myself just before i said goodnight to you, that was because i was crying out of anger and when i'm angry or when i'm crying i do things to myself and i cant control it, my brain just takes over and makes me do things if that makes sense? and i hate the fact that i do that because i've been so rude to so many people while i was crying/ angry and i try to tell them that i cant control myself and they don't believe it and push me away. i hate my body so much it's just so fucked up and ugly all the scars on my body are just making me hate it even more i'm so insecure i just wanna be happy and not insecure about anything my arms are the main things i'm insecure about, they're just so skinny and there's scars all over them, they don't even match my body shape and i have to wear baggy shirts and hoodies just to hide them because i just hate how they look and my face, i don't feel pretty at all and im constantly changing how i do my makeup and my hair hoping that i would make me look pretty but nothing even works. i have an eating disorder, i refuse to eat properly. i'll only eat small snacks, i could never eat a whole plate of food, i feel so guilty when i eat properly, i feel fat and i feel like a pig because when i do end up eating properly i just binge eat and put on a lot of weight, so i just prefer starving myself and stay losing weight until i'm finally happy with how i look. i've always been bullied for the way my body looks and people call me a fat bitch or tell me to starve myself until i'm skinny to the point where my ribs start showing i just wanna feel pretty im tired of being rejected and called ugly because of how i look and i've been raped, it hurt but it felt nice and i hate myself for even admitting that it felt like that and it was my ex that raped me, he would touch me whenever i went to his house and took a nap, he would do it in public in front of a lot of people just to embarrass me. for example he would grab my boobs and laugh at me as soon as he saw that i was upset and uncomfortable while he was doing that and he would touch me without my consent, i felt so uncomfortable around him and he cheat on me so many times and i couldn't let him go because i was still in love with him, i was so attached to him, he would yell at me if things didn't go his way or if i said no to anything, he would also hit me too. i still miss him and i'm still in love with him and i don't know why i don't know understand why i still love him after he put me through all of that. sometimes he was nice to me, sometimes he would give me kisses and hugs after he yelled at me and i miss the feelings i got when he hugged me and he tried to kill me once, he backed me up against a wall and choked me, he let go and slapped me when i said i would call the police, i should've just called the police anyway, i regret not calling the police. i've been sexually assaulted before and i got blamed for it because i was showing too much skin and it was apparently my fault and people still make fun of me for getting sexually assaulted and i don't understand why people even make fun of me for that