WriteAnonymously

So I’m in my teens and i have bad depression I think. I can’t go to a therapist to be diagnosed for there’s a couple issues with the things that are wrong that if I told them, they’d end out making things a lot worse. So like I have suicidal thoughts every day and honestly I’m sick of them. I’ve had them for years and i don’t know if they’re normal but I’m just sick of wanting to die all the time. I’ve had some actual attempts on my life, more than I’d like to admit but those didn’t end out working and I didn’t tell anyone about those. i know why I feel sad, I was sexually assaulted in the house by my brother when I was little, and my parents never really cared about me. I don’t say the second part just cause I’m sulking or whatever tho, there’s an actual story to that. In all I live in a fucked house hold. (Ex: being yelled at and told it’s a pain in the ass to bring me to a therapist because I wanna kms, having my step dad try and record me shower/ mother found out and took his side on it believing he “accidentally” hid/left his phone in the bathroom on record, my parents supplying me with drugs so I don’t kms, ect) so as mentioned above things like alcohol and weed are given to me to feel better. I’ve been smoking weed everyday for about 2-3 years now and I’ve built a pretty good tolerance to it. I’ve started to want something stronger and I’m considering harder drugs. I know drugs shouldn’t be how I fix my depression or whatever but I have no other way that I can think of. Unless I can fix it without having to talk to anyone I don’t know what to do. I’m only 15 so I can’t really go to a therapist on my own and I don’t feel comfortable enough to reach out to anyone I know