I'm so sad. I haven't been this sad in my life since highschool and my suicide attempts. At the end of grade 12, I was in a pretty good place mentally, so I started looking for someone to love and start my life with. I found the man of my dreams, and he made me so happy. And he made me so happy until I began spending more and more time overnight at his house. It got to the point where I was there over have my time during the week. Our fighting started around December, at this time, we'd been dating for 8 months. I got engaged to him in October, when we'd been dating for 5 months. Soon, I know. But i only had eyes for him, I saw a life with him. I moved in with him when I moved back to the area he lives in the following February. Now, fast forward to our life now. We had a wedding planned for May 22nd, but it got cancelled due to covid. My family is religious, so they want us to try to get married anyway, as soon as we can, anyway we can. His family wants us to wait until we can have more of his family there. He's told me multiple times that it's my choice, my decision, yet every time I try and make a decision, his family or my family aren't for it. We had made a decision together about it a few days ago, to get married in two weeks, just the 10 of us, and maybe a radio church service where people can drive in and watch and listen from their cars. We made the decision. WE. Then he talked to his parents, and they don't want to have it. He doesn't defend me. He doesn't hold on to the decision WE made. Instead he sort of tries to convince me to change it, still saying it's MY decision. But it's clearly not. I think the real problem is that he's not sure if he really wants to marry me. He's said before at least twice in the last few months that he's doubted if he wants it. He's seen a different side of me, since my mental health issues have come back. I think he's really second guessing if he even wants to be with me. Sometimes I feel like he loves me, but sometimes I feel like he's just putting up with me. Sometimes he acts like I'm a burden, he doesn't seem to be too worried about spending time together. Maybe it's my depression talking, but he used to be head over heels for me. He used to be so sweet to me. So excited just to see me, now I feel like he doesn't really care. He does get emotional when we fight. a week ago we had an incident where I was trying to be intimate with him and he was on his phone, and I looked to see what he was looking at, he was looking at a bunch of different women on instagram. It broke my heart. I told him immediately that he'd hurt me really bad, and he didn't know what to say so he just left to mow the grass. I immediately started to feel like complete scum. Instead of sitting around waiting for him to come back, I got into my car and left for a few hours. When I got back he was angry, and when I approached him about it, he began to cry which is rare for him, and what I'd done clearly hurt him. We keep hurting each other like this. It's so unhealthy and It's not helping my depression and dark thoughts. I don't know what to do. I love him so much but I can't keep going on like this, hurting each other, and acting like we're not on the same side. It's killing me. I feel like I get blamed for all our problems. He always says our fights are because I don't have enough confidence. I know I don't, but I've never accused him of cheating or been a crazy girlfriend. i don't know what to do. I feell so hurt. I don't know if I should marry him yet. I don't know if I should keep living with him. I don't know. But I just don't want to feel like this anymore. We're supposed to make each other happy.
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