I grew up in a very unloving and unsupportive home. They did not allow us to be ourselves. It was very strict and abusive. My siblings and I suffered in different ways. Mine was mostly physical and verbal abuse. My mother did not bond with me, and I was often handed off. As I grew up, it became more apparent that she absolutely didn’t like me. Nothing I ever did was good enough and there was this high standard of perfection that I just couldn’t seem to meet no matter how hard I tried. Honor roll grades, maximum effort into chores, listening and not back-talking, I truly tried. As I got older, there were comments about my weight although I was always very small, comments about how I’d never be as pretty as my sisters. My hair was always cut off like a boys and I hated it but I wasn’t allowed to have a say. My dad avoided conflict with my mom because he knew she would take it out on me, although he did stand up for me when he thought he could. All throughout school, I was bullied…on the bus, in class, the cafeteria, and in the halls. I seemed to be the target because I was quiet and unsure of how to interact with peers. I wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers, go to friends’ houses or parties until later on. I had literally spent the majority of my life sitting on my bed as punishment or cleaning. I felt alone and different from the world. I still feel this way.
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