When I was 11 my mom had this close friend who had a bunch of kids and I was really good friends with one of them so we hung out alot. On Christmas Eve we were over there and my friends 15yo brother asked me to dance with him to a song on the tv and I did and thought nothing of it, but it was the beginning. IDK how many days later but we were at their house again and he kissed me. It wasn't unpleasant and he convinced me that it was just something fun to do. We continued to secretly makeout for a couple months and my naive, idiot self, didn't think anything of it. When he started grabbing my breasts, I had big boobs for an 11yo, I wasn't into it, and he would get upset and make me feel bad about saying no. He had a temper, he was known for fighting in school, but he never hit me. He didn't have to. The more times I said he couldn't touch my breasts the scarier he got so eventually I said yes. By this point my mom had actually started dating his dad so we saw alot of each other. I should of told my mom but I was so scared and ashamed that I never said a word. On my 12th birthday we had a little party at our house with one of those inflatable pools, so I was in a swimsuit. When it started to get dark we got out of the pool and me, my little brother, my friend, and him hung out in my room. My friend and brother feel asleep and he wanted to makeout in my bed so we did. He wanted me to take my top off but I said no repeatedly, but he got angrier and angrier, so I did. Then he had me take my bottoms off and I felt like he was going to hurt me if I didn't, so I took them off. I told him i didn't want to do it but that didn't matter. He said it was ok, that people who like each other do it, and because I let him take my pants off, that meant I wanted to do it. I still didn't agree, but I was confused and scared and he wasn't taking no for an answer, so I said yes. I was raped on my 12th birthday by, at that point, my 15yo step brother. The next day I told my friend, who's his real sister, that I had sex with him and she was just like cool, I can't believe you lost your virginity before me. I didn't realize at the time that it was rape and people didn't talk about those things. The next time he wanted to have sex I said no and left. He got angry and broke things. I was scared. I let him have sex with me. Everyone thought he was this cool guy. All the girls wanted to be with him. All my friends too. This lasted until I was 14. We had had sex about 8 times, but I tried not to keep count. I didn't think of what happened as sexual assault, I told myself that it was my decision, I think to just cope with everything. I told a few friends when I was 17ish and my ex husband knew. To this day I haven't told my parents and I never will. I don't really think about it anymore but tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. I'm in bed, crying. I've never cried like this about it. It might be because I'm switching antidepressants so I'm emotional, but idk. It's been 20 fking years and I feel so stupid crying like this about it. I feel so stupid for not saying something when I was a kid, for not telling someone. I feel so ashamed for doing nothing to stop it, for being scared and letting this guy do whatever he wanted. I hope this doesn't ruin my birthday tomorrow. And I hope I never cry about this again. I have no one to talk to about this and it's ok if no one read it, I think I just needed to say it, to get it out. If you actually did read this gigantic post, thank you for reading my story and I wish you the absolute best.

2 years ago

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