I hate that I miss you. I hate the fact that I try to find you in her and I hate how I’m lying next to her, but wishing it was you. The way you were so bad to me, and she’s so good to me, but here I am. Writing this. She doesn’t deserve this, she’s tried as hard as she can, but I just can’t escape your hold on me. Maybe it’s the chase that draws me in, or the fact that you know me better than I believe I know myself. You put effort into learning me as a person, as I did with you, but it’s all so different now. I chose to live life without you, did I make the right choice? I thought I was ready. Ready to start this new life without you, and to blossom into this person who was free of all connections tied to you. Only, that’s not my case. Because every thought is still consumed by you and I can’t shake the impact of your soul. Your voice is like a faint sound in the back of my memory. I miss the way you said my name. How every time you would call out for me, I would swoon and blush because it just sounded so right leaving your lips. I miss the way I would cave when you kissed me, or the way my legs would go weak when you’d look at me. You could knock the air right out of me just by locking eye contact. You were beautiful beyond eye. Your smile lit up your whole face and the way your dimples would form around it made it even more precious to stare at. Your eyes twinkled, even when it was dark out. You had a shine to you. I feel like everything about us is just a pattern. We distance , and then we find our way back to each other and the bond is even stronger than the last time we talked. Just as we get close again though, we become distant even more. It’s such a hot and cold feeling, but it’s also a craving of mine. Why is that? Maybe my mind just misses the thought of you and It’s convincing all of me that It’s you that I miss. Maybe the reality of the matter is that I just miss someone who knew my boundaries, my likes & dislikes, and someone who would allow me to vent. But maybe.. I miss you. It’s so confusing. The once familiar feeling of just being someone you could mess around with now feels so faint, and for some reason..I hate it. I don’t believe i’ve become dependent on you being with me, or even in my life in general. I just think that our souls were so connected and intertwined , that when they fell apart so sudden, it was a devestation..to say the least. You gave me minimal effort, yet it felt like you loved me effortlessly. You put so little into pleasing me, all you had to do was caress my face and I was all yours yet again. You paved the way for me to experience so many amazing opportunities and live life how I felt a teenager should live. Although, I’m still a teenager lol. You’re a human who holds many of my firsts, many of my worsts, and a lot of my most favorite memories. Yes, bad memories tag along behind the good ones , but I can find so much comfort in the good ones that the bad ones just disappear from mind. I miss you. I miss loving you and I miss holding you in my arms on your darkest nights. The guilt follows me just as the reminiscence does because I know it’s wrong. I should be happier now, not feelings worse. I know I can’t control how my heart and mind feel though, I just get to go through the motions of it. I just needed to get this off my chest before it grew too much to handle. Til we meet again.
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