I was seven months clean...

Im a child a fucking child yet im crying to the point im puking crying to the point i cant breathe and i don't know why. it may be stress over school or family issues or maybe this feeling that everyone's watching me. It may be undiagnosed anxiety because i just got another attack yesterday i couldn't breathe and it felt like someone was just slamming on my chest from the inside and it made me sick to my stomach and i was expecting to puke like all the other times but to my surprise, i didn't. but to get right down to the point there's no real major issues wrong with me plenty of people have it worse but for some reason, i just don't wanna be here anymore... im tired im so tired so i sleep during the day because im to busy crying or studying to sleep at night and i think people are starting to notice to and its scaring me. im trying to keep it together blink away the tears keep my head up but the littlest comments get to me now "you don't have any meat on your bones your so skinny" or "you should just try harder and study more" like im trying my best. And i broke down so bad today just overseeing people post with friends because i never go anywhere with friends but to be fair i never reach out either because id feel like a bother. Anyway it was the thing that finally tipped me over the edge this whole week has been a living hell and i cant seem to get out of my own mind i cant seem to shake off stupid thoughts. i broke down so bad today that i went searching for my blade that has been tucked away for over seven months but i couldn't find it so i took a screwdriver instead and i tried so hard but there wasn't any blood i wanted to see red seep out of me but there was nothing i felt like I've failed yet again another thing. At this point i just want someone to hold me together i want to cry and admit to all these feelings as someone strokes my hair lying to me saying its alright. But i don't even have anyone to talk to about feeling like these i don't have anyone i can truthfully go to when crying i don't think anyone even knows my favorite color. But hey i guess im just a friend in the moments that count or for when people have no one else to talk too. i dotn really wanna die but i don't wanna be here either.

1 year ago

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