trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, swearing and prob more sorry for grammar i'm too angry to check Ok so I truly think I might explode! My life is great, i have enough money, lots of nice family, some friends, good grades and a lot more but i feel like absolute shit! It all started around Feb-Mar 2020, when covid started. At first it was just sleeping a lot (10-15h) which is normal since i had so much spare time. Then it just shambled into pieces, I started to feel sad, almost unbearable sadness. Crying almost every night to the same song on replay for maybe an hour? No motivation at all, ate a shit load of food one day and 1 meal the another. My mom is really nice and she started to figure out i was off. I told her a bit but not a lot because i don’t want to feel like or be a burden because she had a lot on her plate as well. My grandmother had started to act ill and started not being able to speak proper words or sentences ( rarely she would be able to get a full sentence out without mistake). My nana lives with us in a cut like house ( two houses but connected) but she almost never goes to her side other than sleeping. My nana has this routine where she wakes up early (7am) and comes to my house to just sit there and watch tv simple right? No, because she doesn't eat unless you give her things to eat because she now has no abilities to cook some toast or eggs anymore! Shes kinda nasty to my mother and she doesn't realize how hard my mother works to keep her happy. All my mother’s attention, stress, anger and guilt comes from her. Its not my mother’s fault she has 2 siblings that do literally nothing and leave every little fucking burden on her like a fucking dog! Every person in my house has a bit of anger towards my nana because my mom has to raise 3 children and all shes doing right now is babying my nana! Anyways by august 2020 i had gotten into shifting to different realities because truly i needed a break from all the stress i felt! that made my mental health worse and shit. You know what that means ...... SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! I still struggle with these, sometimes i’m in the shower and think “ hmm if i killed myself right now in this bathtub no one would realize for at least 20 minutes by that time id already be dead!” or “ I wanna jump off the tallest building with neon light everywhere and just end it there in a peace fall, so simple~!” I have this one best friend, whatever god it is just bless her soul! At one point i vented to her because we’re like a venting friendship and shit, anyways I was having really bad gender identity crisis along with a “ who am i? “crisis along with all my comfort artist are getting cancelled for some fucked up shit! yea so she was really nice about it and gave me some of her info on her experiences! but we are both going to different schools now and we’ll prob not talk anymore like all my other friends..My coping mechanisms are literally reading fanfiction, making jokes about my despair or sleeping! Like i can’t live without fanfiction generally because i never get any real attention, so i relay on romance fiction of all my comfort characters for my unattended attention! also i don't know if its just me or do you feel very unvalidated when people say “ don't worry other people have went through the same situation as you, your not alone!” because to me it sounds like “ suck it up other people go threw this all the time you're not special, just act normal!” I just want to wake up somewhere else with all my comfort character or just die because nothing makes me happy anymore other then FICTIONAL SHIT, STANDS FOR NOT FUCKING REAL! I wanna get therapy and i asked my mom she said yea! anyways thank you for reading.....i mean if you did :)! have a nice day and drink some water and eat some food you deserve it! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! ily :D

1 year ago

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