I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and seven months. I love him so much; but I feel like I still want to explore what's out there for me. My current boyfriend also has habits and opposing opinions that I can't ignore. BUT he is one of the sweetest and most caring guys I have ever dated.
We both like to smoke; and a guy I had a crush on in high school said he could hook me up with some (I added him on snapchat before my boyfriend, and he started talking to me out of the blue - we'll call him Axel). We met a couple of times so I could buy some smoke and we started to catch up. One day I invited Axel over to my dad's house to come smoke (I'm 22, living with my father, but he is helping pay my tuition as long as I do housework. My dad also works long days so no one was home).
Prior to him coming over, we had been harmlessly flirting back and forth on snapchat (which he started). We both knew that we were attracted to each other, but I established a ground rule before he came over:
"I have a boyfriend, so please keep that in mind before you do or start anything."
Axel agreed to it saying that he didn't want to "Steal anyone's girl."
He came over, we smoked out on my dad's back patio, and then we went inside. I asked him if he was thirsty or hungry and then we sat on the couch in the living room. I turned on Forged in Fire and then we started cuddling - then he started to kiss me. I did kiss back and we started to get more intimate. I told, again, that I have a boyfriend but he continued. He started fingering me, and then I went into my room thinking he was done. He followed me and stopped outside my room and I asked him to close the door and wait in the living room till I got dressed (which he did). When I went back in there he decided it was best if he left and I agreed it was a good idea.
Looking back, I think he did want to have sex with me. If he had walked into my room and tried to start something, I probably wouldn't have stopped him. I never thought a guy like Axel would be a possibility for me. He was a pretty popular guy at my high school. I admitted to him when he came over that I had a crush on him in high school and he said, "I'm not surprised, a lot of people did" (Yeah he's kind of a duche).
After everything happened, I was a little distant with my boyfriend. He noticed and begged me to tell him. I only told him that Axel had touched me, but that I didn't really want him to. And being honest, that's how I truly felt. I had put a vision of Axel in my head that was a "perfect guy" based on the guy I knew in high school. The only catch is that I keep thinking about Axel.
After everything had happened, I reached out to some friends for advice. They advised me that if I truly loved my boyfriend, that I should cut all ties with Axel. So I did. I sent Axel a message on snapchat saying that I was going to block him because I wanted things to work with my boyfriend (I blocked him before getting a response back).
It's now been about four months since I blocked Axel. I keep thinking about him occasionally. I love my boyfriend - and our relationship is at a really good place - but it has me wondering what Axel is doing now. I do worry about him because of things he told me. I wonder how he took my last message. Was he relieved? Or maybe upset? I won't truly know unless I message him again, which I've been contemplating doing.
I will say, I know it's wrong that I let Axel come over in the first place to let things happen. I could see myself being his friend if all of it did not happen. But he did initiate things from the beginning, which makes me wonder if he was genuinely interested in me or just horny.
What do ya'll think of all this?
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