I've always felt like nothing is real. I can't even begin to explain the thought process that comes with it. Like the feeling of when you are high. It's like that constantly for me except there is no fun feeling with it. My emotions play me like a game. I have formed an attachment to a boy who I'm insanely close with. It is driving me nuts, because in reality-to me that is-nobody else's lives really matter because this is about you. YOUR life. You can bend your life in all sorts of ways to get the outcome you choose, some harder to get to than others. I literally cried over this boy because he accidentally left me on delivered. I do not know why I feel like this. No one understands so I cant speak to my friends about this or him. I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety because every day I wake up wishing I didn't. Each day is such a struggle and I have no motivation to do anything anymore. To be honest, I would rather let go and be free but it would hurt too many people. It isn't benefitting me though, it is just causing me more pain being around. Is that so selfish? I stopped using drugs. Started them at 12 for coping but it was sort of a peer pressure thing at the start. I have to convince myself all the time nothing is my fault because it always feel like it is. I'm tired of getting nicotine highs every night to make me numb. Male validation plays a big part too. I am bisexual, and I love women, however male validation is what suits me. I need that. And I hate it because it has caused me so much pain and loss, like being stuck in a toxic manipulative relationship which left me cheated on and mentally abused. This world is sick. We shouldn't let into our own emotions, but when I always end up hurting someone, which is why I no longer act myself and just mimic personalities. The one time I let me be myself with someone he gets mad at me for being me. I think I'm going insane. I haven't hurt myself in awhile, mostly because of him just being around. I love him, but I wish he just could see me for me ya know? I think this is the most I have ever written about my emotions. It feels nice. Sort of soothing. Being in therapy has not helped anything. I would rather recover on my own, even though it seems impossible. All the gloomy nights I spend beating myself up and wishing I was dead. My best mates don't really get it either. I can't really talk to them because they get mad or say I'm lazy or whatever. My mum is the only one that understands as we are both autistic and have mental health issues. I just want to run away and be happy. I don't want my mum or dad to die. They're the reason why I am still here lol. And my cat :) When they go I will be a lost cause. That will probably be when I end my life. When my mum takes her final breath. This will be on the internet forever now. So I guess I could check back in many years to see how far I have come. That is if I am not dead yet. My mum is my rock and my biggest support. The day she goes I go. I cannot imagine a world without her. I love you <3 For some reason even after 3000 words I am not able to publish this. Maybe it's the demons in my head. The darkness holding onto me. To be honest, I don't want help. This darkness has been my friend for so long, ever since I was a child. It has watched me grow up. My personality trait. However at the same time it feels like a year long headache. But anyway, everyone leaves me in the end. Either by choice or death. That is what life is. We are born to go to school, get a job and die. What is the point? I just say fuck it. Do what you want. In the end we die anyway. My nan died in 2019. It made me realise I should've done more. Gone round when she wanted me to. I am so guilty about all that. So that is why I think, why waste away in your bed. Go out and do everything you want to do. Whatever you do, make sure it is something to remember. Memories. That is what I am going to be guilty about in a few years. Not going out with my mates when they asked me to. I leave education in 2023. Please don't become me. I love you whoever you are reading this. Thank you for spending your time to read about my emotions. I have almost reached the end of this. Sort of how I feel right now. I am not going yet. But just hang on, for me okay? I love you.

2 years ago

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