My rapist committed suicide. Not any part of me is happy. I started dating him when I was in 7th grade. I met him on the tennis team and had the biggest crush on him. He was a year older than me, which made me intimidated by him. On the way home from a tennis match, a ton of his friends dared us to kiss, so we did. Immediately after, he told me my lips were dry, which I thought was funny. We started dating that night, and he gave me a camo sweatshirt. I started going over to his house at first. It was fine, but he started becoming pushier and pushier. He would finger me and lifted my shirt to show himself my boobs. Keep in mind I was 12 and soon to turn 13 when this stuff happened. Our show was the flash. That's what we would watch together. I haven't watched it in years because of what he did to me during it. I didn't even know what sex was when we first started dating. I remember him holding me down and fingering me at his house. I can still feel his belt loop going into my back, hurting me. I started wearing jeans when I would hang out with him to try to prevent it. I would tell him repeatedly that I didn't want to do sexual stuff, but he still would the next day. Since I was younger than him and this was my first boyfriend, I didn't know what to do. He was soon starting actually having sex with me. The first time I was pressured into it. When we would hang out at my house, we could go to my bedroom, but the door would have to be open. This is when the rape would happen. If I were asleep, he would get on top of me and wet his dick in my mouth and then rape me in my sleep. If I were awake, I would be lying on my stomach, and he would hold me down by the back of my neck in one hand and my hands in the other. We dated for about three months until I finally broke up with him because I felt so guilty for having sex. At the time, I didn't process that it was rape even though I was fighting him unless I gave up. He would rape me about 5 times every time we hung out. We would hang out about 4 or more times a week. I blocked all of the traumatic memories out of my mind so I couldn't remember them. Two years later, we start talking again. We decide to hang out before a football game. We went to his house, and he ignored me for the most part until we got to his room. He immediately wanted to do stuff and took his pants off. He wanted me to go down on him. I refused. He couldn't hold me down and rape me because I was on my period and had a tampon in. I refused to take it out. He ended up pushing me onto the best and got on top of me and tried to put his dick in my mouth. Luckily I was stronger this time and was able to push him off. This was when all of the memories got triggered. I became super depressed, and a few months later, I tried to commit suicide. I told my parents what happened, switched schools, and went to therapy. This was my freshman year. Fast forward to my junior year. It's in the spring, and I start talking to him again. I wanted closure. We created a Minecraft server and would play on it while talking. We are starting to talk almost all day and fell asleep on the phone a couple of nights. He told me he did what he did because he didn't know how to express that he loved me. And that he was too young to understand. Of course, I know this is bullshit, but he apologized, and I could tell he genuinely was sorry for what he did to me and the trauma he caused me. I got back with my ex, so I had to block him. I also wanted to block him for my own mental health. He tried breaking me and my bf up so he could keep talking to me. It was not good for me to talk to him. He tried to kill himself when I blocked him. He called me to the mental hospital and apologized. I told him I was not mad at him and understood he was in a bad mental place. But I couldn't talk to him for my own mental health. That was in spring. It is now August. My parents walked into my room Tuesday night and sat down. I was honestly scared I was in trouble. They then broke the news that he hung himself. I immediately started crying and couldn't stop for two days. My bf told me that it bothered him how much it was hurting me. I knew I was hurt because, yes, this guy hurt me. And caused me to go to years of therapy. But I did have good moments with him. He was my first kiss and my first love. I knew he was in a tough spot, and I blocked him. I blame myself partly. It's a difficult situation because he hurt me, but he is also human and was a big part of my life. I remember I told him that this one American eagle shirt looked good on him, so he wore it a lot. And that he loved for me to lay on his chest bc he would lay on his dad's chest. His parents are divorced btw, and his mom got remarried. I went to the wedding with him when we were dating. He used to wait outside my classroom for me. I really do care about him, and I hope that there is an afterlife. And I hope he knows I forgive him. And I never wanted this for him.
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