i can't fucking stop cutting my self or hitting myself. it used to not be this bad but now I can't stop, it's all I can think about. no coping mechanism works for me, nothing feels the same as cutting. nothing. i can't stop thinking about it, most people think that self harm has to be triggered to think about but it doesn't, even when i'm having fun it'll randomly come into my mind. people tell me to stop and oh it's so bad and all that shit but they never really matters to me all it does is cause me guilt. i love the way it feels, i'm obsessed with it, i cant get enough. i do it because i feel like i deserve it which to be honest i know i do. i'm a shitty person, im only doing whats right, right? sometimes i do it because i need to feel the adrenline that i get from it but that feeling doesnt last long. i tried to stop cutting by stealing instead but honestly i caught caught and now i cant do it again, that was my only coping mechanism to stop myself from cutting. now that i cant do that i cut myself everyday. its pretty much becoming a daily fucking thing. other times ill do it because i need to feel alive, i need to control my emotions. sometimes ill fucking do it without realizing it because im dissociating. i only feel like myself when theres cuts all over my body, does that make sense? i need someone to tell me that my cuts are horrible and there so deep. i need someone to tell me that im going to bleed out or die from it one day. i need someone to acknowledge that maybe i am struggling. i need someone to tell me that i need to get myself together. i need someone to look me in the eyes and say holy shit aaliyah your getting really bad, youve changed so much you need help. i need someone to tell me all of this in person and then hug me after and say that theyre here for me. i. need. attention. before. i. fucking. kill. myself. i just need to feel validated again like i used to i need to have a dad i need someone to genuinely love me so much. i need someone to tell me that im there favorite person and that i shouldnt be struggling like this. i just need to be noticed, fuck that sounds pathetic. i honestly love my scars, sure they trigger me but wow there so beautiful. i wish they were purple. they need to be worse. i really just want to bleed out on the floor. i need to see blood. blood, blood, blood. i need there to be a huge puddle of deep red blood below me. i need to go to a hospital when it happens so they can validate me like they did last time. i need to be myself again, cut up. going to the hospital, being in an ambulance has helped me so much. it helped me feel valid.

1 year ago

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