2 years ago I lost my aunt, she died of stage 5 brain cancer. My whole family was hopeful that she would recover, but I cannot say the same. I prayed every night begging the lord to keep her here just a little while longer, but on June 17 she was taken away from us. I never wanted to visit her in the hospital because it was really difficult to see someone who was healthy a few months before on a ventilator. And one day after my Sunday School I was forced to visit because she didn’t have much longer. We went and we tried making conversation but I sat in a corner because I couldn’t bear to look at her in the state she was in. When it came time to say goodbye, I just couldn’t give her a hug or even get words to come out of my mouth. I’ve been seeing pictures in my head of that moment everyday for the past 2 years, it’s been taunting me. That picture replays in my head all the time, making it difficult to complete tasks because I’ll be in the middle of something and just start balling. Ive been putting on a happy face for my friends and family because I don’t want them to know how much I’ve been hurting inside for the past 2 years. I’ve yelled and hit myself hoping that somehow it would make up for what I did. I’ve tried talking to my parents but it seems like they just don’t understand. I’ve been mad at myself for not doing what she would’ve done for me. She would’ve stuck by me the entire time, told me that it’ll be alright. But I couldn’t say three simple words that I’d said almost everyday to her my whole life, “I love you”. I can’t get rid of the feelings of guilt, anger, and just plain grief. That was the first relative I’ve ever lost, and I felt like I’m someway I failed her. We would always go to her house in the summer time, at that point it seemed so normal and easy to say, “I love you”. For some reason it was so difficult to make conversation, let alone say three words that are used everyday. I recently just lost my grandma and my uncle, I never visited them in fear of doing the same thing to them as I did to my aunt. I feel like it’s just too much, and no one understands. I beat myself up everyday for not doing what I should’ve, but no one knows. I cry for about one hour or more everyday. I’m not trying to make this, “ oh pity me” I’m just wanting people to know let your loved ones know they’re loved, I know it sounds cringy, but I’m serious. Don’t end up like me crying with a stuffed koala everyday and being in the middle of a task and just balling my eyes out. No matter what I do the picture won’t go away, and I’m afraid every loss is just too much to handle, if I lose anyone else I don’t know how I’ll function, considering I barely function right now. I’ve always been a relatively optimistic person, but I’ve lost all REAL optimism I had it’s all just fake smiles now. But I play the fake optimist part very well, I just feel like no one will truly understand because it’s hard to explain. Even in this I haven’t explained as thoroughly as I should because it’s difficult for me to even process all the emotions I feel. I bottled them up for too long and they finally came out because I thought crying was too depressing, but this is wayyy more depressing than what it could’ve been. I’ve got three losses I’m grieving for at the same time, so wish me luck. I just wanted to share my thoughts because they’ve been haunting me for years and I can’t do it anymore.
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