Hello There is something I want to share it with you, may be because I don’t trust people so I am rather trying to express through words. It’s been 1 month 15 days almost when grand father passed away and 1 month when my cousin grand mom passed away. And it’s been almost 3 months I broke up. I am a type of person who is a family person. I have a lot of friends, but few mean something to me. I just cherish the moment I have it with my family the most. For the first time in my life I was serious in a relationship but the guy ditched me with a lot of reasons still I continued with him for almost a month to accept everything and then I broke up. It was less than a month when I got the news that my family members have tested positive including baba. I could not handle the pain but I never loosed hope on him. He was a real warrior who fought with a lot of diseases and health issues … so I expected him to fight against covid too but he broke my trust and gave up. I can never imagine losing a single family member and now it’s killing me inside that I should have been there with him when he needed us. I am guilty of not spending much time with him, I am guilty of not being there around him, I am guilty of letting him go and right now I am totally blank. I have stopped believing on myself and unable to figure out where I stand in everyone’s life. My emotions are fluctuating every minute. I am unable to focus on myself. I have stopped studying, working on myself. My emotions are full of guilt. I could not sleep the whole night and I am lacking positive vibes in my life. After baba there is not even a single day that I slept in the night on time or I have not even attended a single class. I thought at least if I take hukkah or something, I can sleep in peace but even that did not work. I am not in peace. I am trying my best to distract myself by focusing on different work but I am unable to even do that. Every night whenever I go to sleep all the memories clashes in my mind. Nowadays my mind has started imagining the last moments of baba like what would have happened, my mind has started preparing its own stories and relating to that moment. It’s getting very difficult for me to move on from that feeling. I want to cry badly but I am unable to. And that’s the worst feeling
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