I think I was raped. I tell myself I don't fully understand the concept of rape or that I'm just confused. I don't know. The guy had been pursuing me for a couple of months and I kept on denying him because he had just given up pursuing my friend whom he claimed he “loved”. I didn't want to be the girl who got with her friend's “ex-ish”. Plus he was quite the bad boy and I had zero interest in such. Earlier this year I gave in. Not because I liked him, but because I wanted to experience how it felt like to be kissed. Yes, that sounds pathetic but I'm 20 and I've never been kissed or had a boyfriend. It would have just been for fun… little did I know. So I kissed him and felt absolutely nothing, but I still invited him to my room when my parents where out one day. We tried to watch a movie but my computer was bust, then I attempted to talk to him, maybe I would grow to like him. But he didn't want to talk. He started to kiss me, like really kiss me and his hands went down there and he fingered me. He then asked for sex. He said he was a virgin but I did not believe him. Being a self entitled “good girl”, this was new to me and I told him I wanted to wait to have sex until marriage. I am a Christian and my virginity is my covenant with God. It was something I held so dear to my heart, preserved for someone who I loved and who truly loved me. He stopped what he was he doing, we talked for a bit him telling me that he too was a Christian and that he respected my values. Then he left. I should have known from that moment that he was bad news and ran but when he called me over to his house a week later I accepted. He had a cold so I figured he didn't want to do anything and we would just hang out. We cuddled on his bed for about 30 minutes then he started to kiss me. I asked him what he was doing since he was pretty sick but he didn't care and just kept going. Why didn't I leave? He then went on to do his fingering thing but after a few minutes something didn't feel right, I noticed his hands were both on my sides but there was something still thrusting. My heart just dropped. It hurt so bad, I told him no and that I wanted to wait but he wouldn't stop. I tell myself it wasn't rape because I didn't fight hard enough or that he didn't go inside inside or that he didn't ejaculate because I pushed him off before he could. I wept. Am I worth so little that he try to take my virginity while he's sick? He didn't even know my full name as I discovered when he tried to console me. Telling me that I too was his first. Damn liar. I didn't bleed afterward to I tell myself that I'm still a virgin. But that's just me being naive, trying to console myself. I had watched a Buzzfeed Bodly video on casual rape, and I kind of relate to it. In that both parties knew what was happening but well. Of course he's now ignoring me, he won't even look at me. How cliché. I feel so used. I try to tell myself it was just a nightmare and put it behind me but I can't.
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