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Tw: depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, Eating disorder Idk what to put here honestly, I don't feel anything but too much at the same time, my life is just a fucking mess and I can literally do nothing about it (believe me I thought of everything) and if then things would just get worse so, anyway I'm in a ldr since 2 years now, I love him but I can't fully let him in cuz of things he's been through in past relationships (basically communication is shit) and cuz of my ex I just can't let anyone in, I really love my bf but I really don't know where tf Im going in life. I got a shitty job, I can't even call my parents my parents, never mety dad, he raped his step daughter and I honestly don't even want to meet him he's told me that he doesn't give a shit about me, my birthgiver is a racist, sexist, homophobic, narcissistic and abusive piece of fucking shit. I hate literally everyone in this fucking family. My bulimia has been coming back and idk how to stop it, I'm just getting more depressed, I cry almost every night , I've thought about cutting myself again, I thought about killing myself just so things would get better, just so I don't have to go through this shit anymore, just so I don't have to feel anything anymore, I'm better off dead anyway. The only people that would miss me is my cat and my bf, my cat is almost 12 and doesn't have that long anymore anyway and who knows if I stay with my bf for a long time, I feel like I'm going crazy, I just feel everything at once, I've even had thoughts about just stabbing my family (I obviously wouldn't do it) I'm on my last nerve I swear to God