I dont even know anymore. i have so much to say yet i dont know where to start. maybe ill just say a bit about me first. i’m 12, nonbinary . i struggled a lot with gender and sometimes i still invalidate myself because i wear feminine clothing and look feminine. i’m almost certain i have depression as well. i have no self confidence and every day i wake up, disappointed, not because anything bad has happened yet but simply because i woke up. i’m currently in that kind of state where i haven’t got the confidence to actually kill myself but i wouldnt mind if i was run over by a car or something similar. i just want to die. i have so many symptoms of so many mental disorders as well but i always invalidate myself because i couldnt be that messed up to have that many mental disorders, could i? but then again i probably am that messed up, i feel so bad for my friends, theres one specifically right now that i tell everything to and make a lot of ‘jokes’ about depression/suicide. i feel so bad about telling her stuff like this because she shouldn’t have to worry about me. she’s 12, she should be enjoying her childhood and having fun, not worrying about me. every past relationship i had was probably a joke. i had my first boyfriend at 3 and had had 5 boyfriends by the age of 12. every day i doubt that any of them actually liked me. they probably just dated me for the days worth of attention they got from the rest of the class. and that was why i was so cautious with my current boyfriend. i think i might have finally found someone that actually likes me but every single day i wonder whether he actually does. im also not sure whether or not i might have been abused as a child. my dad used to hit me but it wasnt very often it was only like every two months or something and it was probably four years ago so i doubt im remembering correctly even though im pretty sure i am, my parents also used to verbally fight every night and i could hear them through the walls. they found out recently though that im cutting and probably depressed so they stopped fighting because they realised i could probably hear them and my dad doesnt shout at me as often which is of course a good thing but its also terrible for my memory because if i was abused its not current and it was quite a while ago and i can barely remember anything from before i was 11 (im currently 12), also im a people pleaser and will go to great lengths to help everyone even if that means my health is not okay, i dont mind tho, as long as people are happy and not arguing. i hate arguing lol, my friend is the only thing left keeping me alive. im sorry

2 years ago

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