I feel sick. I don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone so I'm writing it here. I'm a female and I got very drunk on Saturday at my friends house. I'll call him R. Our other two friends were there too. I was very attracted to one of them. I'll call her B. We were all over each other the whole night. We made out multiple times (we were both comfortable with it). It's sorta funny because before B came over we weren't really friends. We used to be but I had left the group we were both in and we didn't speak at all until the night before. B and I ended up staying over at R's. Which was kind of a good idea as we were both very drunk. We kept making out and stuff and R got very jealous. There was a point where he just grabbed my face and shoved his tongue down my throat. I wasn't able to pull away. He was so aggressive with it too. Then while B and I were still kissing and shit, R started to kiss my neck. I wasn't able to move because of the position I was in. He finally stopped and my neck was literally covered in saliva. B kindly wiped it for me. He started to kiss my neck again. At this point I have no idea what happened to my shirt. I don't remember taking it off. Although earlier, R suggested that we should all take our tops off? I looked over to see that B looked uncomfortable and I asked if she was okay and that she should only do it if she felt comfortable. She said she didn't want to which I'm glad about. She then continued to kiss me and I just went with it because I was okay with it. R then started to kiss all over me. I remember I said yes before the whole make out happened with B, to R giving me hickeys but keep in mind I was very drunk. I told R after that I didn't want them and especially on my neck. Then to that he said "Don't worry, I'm not going to give you any hickeys" I believed him and continued with B. He kept grabbing my face and kissing me. I then got up and I went to the bathroom because I needed to go, obviously, and I looked in the mirror. I was coved in them. I counted to see how many and I had 17 in total. 15 from him. The other two were from B (I consented to those when I was tipsy). I went back downstairs to see that he was making out with her. It wasn't really my place to get jealous seeing as we were just simply making out but I didn't like it. I sat back down where I was and I didn't say anything about the hickeys. It was only until I woke up the next day where it hit me. I went home and cried. I still don't know what to do. I feel disgusting. I should of stopped him but I didn't. I also consented to it earlier though. So I can't blame him. I think I gave him ones too. I don't know. I can't look at him. I hate this so much. It turns out he also said what he said to me to B as well. She told me how she felt him go up her shirt and now she has a hickey on her back. I should of been there to stop him. But I wasn't. I don't know where I was. All of this is fucked up. I hate it. I want to go back to normal. But now I have to live with this. I want to cry again.
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