Going to esthetics school has been somewhat of a childhood dream. I suppose it doesnt seem like a lofty goal, but I enjoy beautification inside and out.  I signed up for esthetics class the other day. This will be my third try.🤦‍♀️      Beauty school is where I first discovered a severe symptom of mine: I crack like an egg and breakdown completly when I'm touched anywhere by anyone with whom I don't have a serious comfort level, especially anywhere near my neck or face. This issue is magnified greaty when paired with not having control or the ability to say no without negative consequence.    I'd struggled with anxiety for a long time before and had self-medicated since childhood. I used to try and talk myself out of symptoms and the way I felt. ("I'm fine. I'm safe. ") I don't know who told me to do that when I'm nervous  but it always made things worse.    Case in point, me as a teenager on my third day of beauty school, in a room of strangers,hyperventilating sobbing and feeling faint and terrified while a group of my peers stared at me like I was completely insane.     I never went back after that day, nor did I tell anyone about my issue until a few months ago. I was afraid it meant I was crazy.  I had no idea what was happening to me at the time, only that I felt threatened and terrified beyond measure.   I understand now it's a side effect of having been a victim of a crimes where the perpetrator caused me to believed I might die, an extreme breach of my personal boundaries, and any feelings of safety.   I'd be very naieve to believe this won't happen again. As a matter of fact the more O say it won't the more internal conflict and chaos I"ll create. I hate bearing the mark of a victim. It runs the risk of  making  me prey to another predator.   I've grown immensely through therapy, but each time dicussing this arises I take a break. I realize I'm actually afraid to resolve it on some level.    As the time to begin school draws nearer I face the fact that the days I actually have to attend in person will likely result in anxiety. I don't want to be the age I am now and still this dysfunctional. I don't want to use drugs. It seems like for the time being my only option aside from hiding is to get comfortable with the fact that, for now, this is what I'm like.      If I go to school and a panic attack or breakdown ensues what on earth do I say? "Excuse me, this is something that happens sometimes when I'm touched. I  need a breather."???????    What is it like to function wthout feeling threatened  and hypervigilant at the drop of a hat?   Is there a way to bring this to a halt?   Can anyone offer helpful advice (No mlm. No paid offerings. I'm asking for heartfelt help-sister to sister).

1 year ago

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