i'm so tired of being stuck in my head. everything feels so suffocating to me when everyone else seems to just fly by effortlessly. i didn't think i would make it past 16 and now i turn 20 in october, i feel so far behind, incapable, stupid. i doubt i'll live past 30 on my own, i have no mental organization skills, my ability to have conversations has died this past year and i don't see myself succeeding in any way, ever. i can only imagine all the mistakes i already know i'd make, and all the ones i'll be too preoccupied with all the other shit happening to even notice until it's too late. i've always been a socially anxious, self aware, emotionally intelligent person. but... i used to be smart. i think i've gotten so used to being cut down by those around me and my own overthinking that my brain has just come to a standstill. i feel like i used to be able to really FEEL the places i went, the people i met, the music i heard, etc etc etc. now... everything is nothing and too much at the same time. i have to force myself to have "audible" thoughts in my head like i think i used to, and i no longer have the mental strength to defend any of my opinions, or talk about anything really. i feel like a tornado of mental illness and what-ifs.
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