I don't want to live, but I'm too scared to die. Death is one of my biggest fears. I struggle everyday with depression, I take meds for it but nothing seems to help. I wake up and want to go back to sleep. I have no motivation to do anything. Why is my life so sad, well here's my story. I lost my mom when I was 13, four days after my birthday... she was in a hospital for quite some time. She had alot of health issues. I didn't have the best childhood growing up, my dad worked all the time to support me and my brother, while my sister watched us at home. It sucked not getting too spend much time with my dad but I understood he had to make money. Eventually we all moved and parted ways. I grew up and got a apartment with a boyfriend at the time, and my brother got a place with my dad. Over time my dad started to get very depressed, alot of it probably had to do with my mom (his wife) dying.. he ended up trying to kill himself. Luckily my brother found him and called 911. He survived. But my brother, (my dad's son) had to witness my dad at his lowest point and that breaks my heart. I regret to this day not being there for my dad. He ended up in a nursing home for his own safety. Also on another sad note, I was bullied in school. Never physically but I was lucky enough to make it through. Things got a little better as I got older but I was lucky to pass high school. I didn't have any friends so I hung out with my brother and his friends. Still to this day I don't really have anyone. I constantly think back to the day I was born, my brother plugged my wires back in to keep me alive. I guess I was born too early. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't of. Things would be so much easier if I never existed. Everyday feels the same, and I'm alone constantly. I feel very numb, dead inside. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to feel this way rather then to feel pain/sadness.. I just want to feel okay though. I feel like I never will be. I don't want to be alone anymore, but I'm scared to get attached to people. Anyone I ever connected with has used me and broke my heart. I was used as a sex object, I thought these guys loved me but they didn't, they were only after the one thing. My own brother has made me feel uncomfortable. He used to sneak in my room at night and steal my bras, underwear... it makes me sick to think my own brother would do something so messed up. He's family so I can't not associate with him, but everytime we talk im reminded of those uncomfortable nights lying awake as he snoops through my drawers. As far as my other family goes I'm close with nobody. They all live far away now, and nobody keeps in touch anymore. I have lived a pretty depressing life and it seems to only get worse everyday. Can someone tell me if it ever actually gets better? Or is that just a lie people tell.

2 years ago

Be the first to comment!