*Trigger warning mentions of harming myself, eating disorders, abuse, and suicidal thoughts* So when I was 7 I was bullied really bad for my weight, I was a chubby child and had a bit of weight to me, my only friend was my cousin who moved away and she also bullied me for my weight. I remember being in my bedroom and trying to pull the fat off my skin or imaging cutting it all off. My mother and father are divorced and when my mom felt we weren't listening or was being naughty (I'm talking about little things like not washing up the second she told us to) she would call my dad to come down and beat us, once I got so scared I peed myself. She never helped she sat and watched while drinking her vodka, she never told him to stop. Over time I wasn't happy with how I looked so I pushed my plate away and would steal my mother's diet pills, I would find solid books and smash my head against them, I would cut myself on my stomach so no one would see my scars, I would try and overdose on so many occasions I've lost count, I even tried to drink bleach once, it burned my tongue and layers of my tastebuds peeled off. I've become a compulsive liar my ex was so much for me to handle I lied and said someone told me he cheated so I could leave him because I was too pussy to admit he was making me scared, and I didn't want my dad to find out I had a boyfriend at 14. And once I overdosed and was super sick, I couldn't handle the pain so I told my Mom and she asked why I couldn't tell her I didn't want to live anymore, so I made my worst mistake ever, I said a boy who was known for sexually assaulting girls assaulted me in class. I even had video evidence of him assaulting a girl so they believed me instantly. I still see this boy in town and the guilt consumes me daily. I will never tell anyone the truth of those lies, I still lie about it to this day. But that same ex went to a new years party with me, I was really drunk and he said he saw me naked I can't remember anything about that moment and the funny thing is I remember most of that night but that moment. If it did happen I'm ashamed. I'm still a virgin and I find expressing my emotions and find love scary I feel very vulnerable about it. And I feel like if my first two biggest lies and secrets are that extreme. What will I be like when I'm older. I'm going to university next year, and I'm afraid I will go off the handle, ruin my own life, or even take it. I have so much to be ashamed about and my parents don't understand me, I try and talk to my mom but she turns it against me. My dad isn't really around anymore and he always promises but never keeps them. My only friend is my boss who is 25 and I'm 17, My mom and family say he's taking advantage of me but he's the only person who makes me happy. He's helped me with my severe social anxiety, my panic attacks. But I just can't shake this feeling of wanting my memories and pain and mistakes to go away. I want to forget, I just want to leave and change my name. I don't want to be found by anyone who once knew me. I guess my only escape is a university that's if I even get in. I know I'm a bad person and I piss myself off by acting like I'm innocent when I'm not. I'm trying to change but I really feel like I don't deserve to be happy when I've caused so many people so much pain. (Also sorry this is long, I rant when I'm upset)

2 years ago

I'm not going to lie, ur life sucks ass. But you feel guilty, which is good, I guess, makes you more of a person. As for your parents, you didn't deserve any of that, your childhood was so shitty

2 years ago