This rant is going to sound all over the place, as if I have some sort of ADHD, so buckle up...I feel like my mental health is deteriorating lately. I lost a pet recently, my grandma is dying from cancer, and I work a shitty job as a correctional officer and the current liberal politics are making work a living hell because I have to watch all the pedophiles and murderers get away with everything because the system caters to them. Trying to find a new job is terrible too because I’m trying to work remotely for my mental-well being, but finding a job with realistic qualifications is nearly impossible. I have a degree, but when you look at the qualifications for most jobs, they ask for specific experience years which I think is absolutely stupid and unrealistic. Additionally with everything going on, I feel like I’m unable to spend as much time as I want with my boyfriend of 3 years, and he is a huge part of my mental support. I love him beyond words could describe, and I’m always thinking about marrying him, wondering when or if it’ll ever happen, and it puts me in a deep state of endless anxiety for some reason because I feel like my negativity due to my current problems would drive him away. I overthink a lot, and I’ve always suffered from severe anxiety, and I can’t help but always focus on worst-case scenarios or other negative aspects of my life. I want to save up for a house in the mountains away from people because people stress me the hell out. I can’t stand unnecessary/loud noises, and right now I live in an apartment where the walls are paper thin. Saving up for a house seems impossible nowadays and I feel like I will never be at peace. I’ve always been dizzy and tired lately to the point where I can’t get chores done around the house, but I refuse to go see any doctors because I’m terrified of the medical bills because American healthcare is a fucking joke. I am also always worried about the current tension between the US and China, Russia, etc. As you can see, my mind is all over the damn place and I am so, so exhausted. I’ve never been a suicidal person, but lately, I have thoughts about it.

2 years ago

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