I hate feeling this way. Most of the time I feel like absolute shit and for no reason at all. Like the other day I came back from celebrating my friend’s 21st birthday. I tried being in my most cheerful facade and I think I did well because she said she had fun with me and enjoyed herself. And the drinks made me laugh and made me feel better. But as that faded and I laid in bed all I did was cry. It’s like the things from my past seem to haunt me forever. I’m an adult and I feel like a child sometimes. Because I feel like I shouldn’t feel sad all the time. The only time I feel good is when I’m around my boyfriend and when he holds me and I’m aware of how much of a fucking baby that makes me seem but I guess that’s all I needed when I’m as a kid. I don’t really get to see him though since we live kind of far from each other. I also have this thing in the back of my head that tells me to not get too attached to him and that I have to be ok in case things don’t work out. I can’t bear to be hurt by another person and my trust issues are both my biggest energy and best friend.I kind of regret not making more friends or trying more hobbies when I was younger. Cause I feel like I need a distraction. I know that I’m older now and I can’t blame my parents or my fucked up childhood or traumatic experiences to justify how I feel. But I feel like everyone got to be crazy and be teenagers and find themselves and I just had to sort of survive. Now I’m just expected to go on as if nothing happened but I’m already fucked up mentally. As much as I want to be normal I can’t get rid of this sick feeling at the pit of my stomach.
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