I am a long sufferer of bi polar disorder, depression and at times drug addiction. At 40 years old when the past year had I met my soul mate, no doubts at all. I put everything into showing her how much I loved her and appreciated her beautiful soul. Then I got side tracked with my exersize routine which led to weight gain, in turn my self image became poor, my world turned inward over the course of the last 4 months, then I don’t know why but I stopped taking my medication for my mental illness and then at the end of January this year I just walked out on my beautiful loving partner and the kids. Within 24 hours I was back on drugs to numb my feelings of responsibility, it didn’t occur to me while in such a state to go home to her to go to the one who above all others loved me. No, I began taking drugs (ice) daily and I didn’t even realize that when I finally wrote my partner an email that I had been gone for three weeks. There is no chance in Hell I will ever be able to repair the damage I have caused to our once special loving bond. Sitting here now 7 weeks from that fateful day I know I have eternally lost the best thing that’s ever happened in my life and she won’t ever forgive me enough to trust me like she did once upon a time. My girl is gone and my life requires a heartbeat, I have one....just I think. My next move is to tell my now ex I am drug addict, an alcoholic and an I was responsible for all this pain & hurt she’s been put through. I own it. On Monday I am back to work but without taking drugs I am taking responsibility for the crap my lack of accountability got me, there is no way forward but to suck it up and just push through. I have all my meds, there is as I said a heartbeat inside me so it’s time to get fucking real. I promise I will only take steps towards a better future for myself and others. I promise to be greatful of the things my life has been blessed with, I will forgive myself for the things I did which tore apart our family, there will be no day that passes where I am not aware of what could have been for us, our love was something to behold and we both could have our hearts set for eternity. Sadly you will become someone else’s forever babe and you deserve only the best, I pray it’s sent to you because your happiness is all that matters to me. There are people in the world who need your beauty to light up there dull days, your compassion to understand and relate to those who have just lost their loved ones...it’s that of a divine nature. To have had a year with a person so so blessed with the most loyal love a man could ever imagine finding. Wow you still blow me away thinking about you. Yours words... Everything will be ok, take it day by day. I love you babe xoxo

2 years ago

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