I’m pretty confused rn, I’m in therapy to get rid of my issues and help me heal from my trauma. From 4-11 I was sold to many different men for my mother’s drugs and because of that I developed a lot of bad habits. I was raised to lie and manipulate so that I could protect my other siblings. I was told if I didn’t let it happen then it would be them, so I decided to protect them. But my brain started changing. At 8 I was going to blow up the apartment with me, my “mother” who sold me and her drug dealer. But it failed because they started to smell the gas from the stove and saw me with the lighter. After I was beaten worse than normal. Soon after I started trying to find others ways to kill them because I thought it was the only way out. I eventually started to love the thought of torturing or killing people, but only those who provoke a negative emotion. Even now it’s the same and I’ve been out of the situation for a couple of years and now I’m 15. Except now It’s worse, someone could put a gun in my hand and tell me to kill the innocent person in front of me and I would pull the trigger without hesitation. I would laugh at the hole in their head because it’s funny. So I gave myself morals as chains to my sanity and every time I feel those bad things about hurting people or doing other bad stuff I use my trauma to reel me back in. But I’m in therapy to get rid of my issues. How am I supposed to get rid of my trauma when it’s my leash to reel in the i changeable part of my brain? My emotions flip on and off, what if I kill someone when I’m there off then feel the pain when it turns back on? Why can’t I be normal?
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