I want to be someone's priority. The course of life is the passage of time. People change. People move on. People meet new people and get over old friends. Guilty as I am of it, I long for stability. In my life, I've had few constants. Quarantine provided a routine for me. It provided a new friend, one who became my priority, and I hers, something that's changed. I'm bad with emotions. It's hard to say I love you to anyone outside of my family, so I show it through actions and meanings hidden under other words. But other people can do it so carelessly. It hurts. I want to be less jealous, less possessive. So I bottle it up instead of letting myself affect others. I don't say anything. But it means people just forget about me, and I hate that. I have nothing interesting to say, and I don't want to be clingy, so I don't spout my fears. I don't want to be an annoyance. Those who looked at me with sparkling eyes see nothing but another person. I'd stop my life for them, but they wouldn't do the same. Mannerisms change. Instead of a drawn-out goodbye, I'm just hung upon. Calls went from once a day to once a week. They'll get sparser. And the worst part is I can see it. Right there, in front of my face, I can see the subjects of others' time in passing notifications. I can see where I lie as a priority. And what can I do about it? This is the nature of life, constant and everchanging. But I don't want to change. I don't want to move on. I'd change for others if I was asked because I value them over myself. I'm doomed to fail. Doomed to fall over. I can see myself move further from others, see the change in dynamics, but I can't stop it. It's like the seconds before an unpreventable car crash. I long for days past. I want to spend my time in someone else's breath instead of in my own head. Everyone can make new friends but me. This is why I'm doomed to fail. This is why I'll be forgotten. This is why when I die, everyone will get over me. But being sad drains other people. It makes you less fun to be around, I know this, but I have nothing good to say either. I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want to be alone. I'm afraid of abandonment, but it's just the nature of life. But what's the point. Why do I write this? I'm desperate to tell someone these fears, but there's nobody I can send them to. It feels like my chest is being scraped out by spoons. And nobody knows anything. My teacher blames my grades on a spelling bee I have entirely forgotten about. My coworkers wouldn't care if I stopped showing up, aside from the annoyance of having to do my job. My classmates wouldn't notice if I didn't show up to class. I'm replaceable. People, in general, are replaceable. I made the mistake of dropping my persona, and now we've drifted apart. What should I do? Put on a new one? Is it just that I have too much free time? I wish I knew what other people felt. I wish that if they were as desperate for my attention as I am for theirs, that they would talk to me. I'm the only one who initiates conversations anymore. It's 5 messages to one response. But regardless, I don't want admittance that anyone is sick of me. But everyone else is so busy. They have their own lives, responsibilities, and worries. Fears that are much more important than the meaningless garbage that spins around in my head from morning to night. I just want to be someone's priority. I'd let my life fall to ruin for someone else, and that's my problem. My problem is that I'm a leader, and without someone to lead, I am nothing. Followers always have someone to follow. Anyways there's nobody to send this to. I don't know anything. I don't know anything at all. And if I read this back to myself, it sounds like bullshit emo garbage. I don't want to be that. I don't want to be a dumb cliché. I don't really have anything to be sad about. I have a nice life. I shouldn't be anything but happy. My life is insignificant in the scheme of things. My problems are dumb and shouldn't affect me. I just miss things that have passed. I hate time passing. I want constants, and I want someone near me. I want you to feel the same way. Isn't it funny how this sounds like a letter when I have nobody to send it to?

2 years ago

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