I'm in love with my best friend, well yeah, they're my best friend but they're also my ex. It sucks because they keep sending me mixed signals. I don't know how to feel, I get that they probably don't either but they need to choose. It's so hard being their friend because I still love them. I don't know what to do because I want them to be happy and stuff but I feel like I'm stopping them from doing that because they even said it to me themselves. They don't wanna be alone with me because they know those feelings will come back. They can't keep making these "jokes" with me because they really play with my feelings. They're making it so hard for me. Like they can't just tell me that I'm their favourite person but then act as if I'm just another regular person in their life that they just so happen to know. I get that by doing that, it makes things easier for them but seriously. I know they still love me too. I'm the only person they actually talk to, like genuinely. They nearly miss their bus in the morning just to say good morning to me every day. It doesn't seem like a big deal but they remind me about the small things, like not forgetting to bring my art folder to school because they now how stressed I get. The songs. The songs they send to me, too. I know they're that person that sends someone a song that has a meaning to it. I know that because that's how they first hinted that they loved me. I was too naïve to see it at first but the songs described how I felt and they're doing exactly that, again. But I don't know if I'm overthinking but once again, if someone else heard the songs they've sent to me, they'd probably think the same. Why is this so difficult. I should be over it more seeing as its been exactly 4 months since the break up but it still feels like a fresh wound I don't know, hopefully we'll work something out, after all, they did say that they're "best friends with hope." We'll meet in the same way we always have someday. That's how its always been. But the way we've met is always when we're both at our worst. I know I'm not good for them. I'm the reason they neglected themselves in that relationship. We both neglected ourselves but still. I'm not the best for them, there is someone else out there that they deserve more. But I can guarantee that no one will ever love them the same way I did and I know I will never get to experience that type of love I felt when I was with them They're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to lose them. Even if that means I have to sit there and watch them fall for someone else. Their happiness means the most to me. That's why we broke up. Not because they weren't happy, but because they neglected themselves. We were both too focused on making the relationship perfect for each other that we forgot about ourselves. I promised them that I would get better for myself but honestly, I'm doing it for them. I'm taking responsibility by actually going to therapy, even though I ate it, I'm forcing myself to do it. Not only for them but because I know it will really benefit me in the end. I can't say I'm proud of myself for the things I've done since the break up but I'm trying to fix all that. It's funny to me. It really is. I thought nothing would ever happen to us but you know, just have you s/o ignore you for 4 days and then out of nowhere at quarter to 4 in the morning, get them to send you a paragraph on why they need to break up with you. Then have them not speak to you for 2-3 months after. And then all of a sudden you two are speaking to each other like nothing ever happened except for the fact you can't act like lovers anymore. And you have to sit there and just feel them slowly drift away more and more and you know for a fact that there is nothing you can do about it. But hey, its fine because you both have hope that someday you'll be able to cross paths again. But what if I don't know what to do when that time comes? What if I want to get back with them but I don't want them to fall down that big spiral of neglect again because you know that you're the reason? I honestly don't know. I'll just go with the flow.

2 years ago

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