Mom, why. i miss when you would wrap me up in blankets before bed and call it a torpedo. or when you would spray your perfume on me and it smelled like a hug. or making your special dessert. saying you love me to the moon and back. why did you have to be such a bad person. i miss what mom you could have been. you know you could see me if you tried. why don't you try. i thought i was adopted as a kid bc you didn't love me. i remember realizing i was suicidal in 4th grade at your house. sitting in bed and wanting to fall asleep and not wake up. i decided the best way to do that was to OD and thats never left my head. you never let me hang out w ppl and now i cant connect to anyone. im scared to reach out and i would rather just waste my life on the internet then anything else bc then at least i can fake being friends with ppl. i do blame you. Dad, im making choices right now that would disappoint you so much. but they make my brain shut up and i feel good for a little bit. but its a bandaid over everything so sorry. i wish i could be a better kid. i know i disappoint you. ive tried telling you but you wont listen. i have a good life why would i be depressed? i cant even get diagnosed for anything bc i want o join the military. so now soph gets medication for her shit but i cant. do you know how jealous i am? i want to feel normal but my issues aren;t bad enough for anything. i cant blame you though. you try your best. i just want a hug though. Me, im scared of love. i want it but im scared of person i fall in love with. i want to find my soulmate bc i want ther to be a person who is guaranteed to love me. its the only way i can deserve it. and why do you make these choices? bc they pretend theyre your friends? theyre never in their right mind, they dont know you. im sorry though. you deserve better but youre scared of trying hard enough to find those ppl.

2 years ago

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