I am a mess

I am worried about what my future relationships are gonna be like. I have so much weird trauma and junk that it is gonna be difficult to find someone good. For example, I like penises, they're attractive, and I want to have one, but I don't want them anywhere near me in a sexual manner. I also like men, but I hate the idea of them being sexually attracted to me at all. It is a disgusting thought even though I like them romantically. With women or just in general people with vaginas, it isn't an issue. It would be extra cool if they found me attractive in any way. But I'm less prone to being intensely attracted to them (doesn't mean it doesn't happen though). I assume whoever's reading this is confused as hell just like me, or maybe there's the slim chance that the reader has some sort of idea what is wrong with me and what to do about it. If you are the latter, maybe you could help a dude out in the comments and give a bit of advice or insight. Thanks!