The worst part about my suicidal thoughts and depression is the fact that, i do have people who love me, i do have people that care and although feeling alone, i know i’m not. I haven’t wanted to live for a long time now and my suicidal thoughts have almost blurred themselves into a routine. Hundreds of times a day i think to myself “i don’t want to be alive anymore” or “i’m going to kill myself” and the truth is i’m okay with dieing. In fact, the thought of not being alive anymore is so overwhelmingly comforting and that’s the issue. I’ve tried to seek help from friends and family but they don’t know how to help and if i’m being completely honest, i don’t know how to help myself either. I’ve confronted a teacher and told them and the response i got was “it’ll get better” but i cant help but wonder when? When will this pain and hurt go away? Will it ever leave me? I sit and wait for a day where it doesn’t cross my mind and i am still sat waiting almost 4 years later. The word “selfish” crosses my mind often and how my pain isn’t being taken away, but only passed on to another. Hell i’ve even experienced that myself but even that seems better than carrying on existing without a purpose. I feel stuck in a social construct. We are born to go to school, college, university, get a job and die and for what! We all suffer horrific things throughout our life and deal with stress and pain for what? If i died today, it would only be facing the inevitable fact that i am going to die one day anyway. There’s something stopping me from killing myself and i cant quite figure out what yet. Is it the fact i don’t want to die? Is it that i don’t want to pass on my suffering to another? Or is it the simple fact that I am too scared to die? I don’t have the balls to go through with it. The short pain that it takes to do the job is the only thing i can think off that puts me off dieing but if others can do it why cant I? I think i just need help but help with what is another thing i keep trying to figure out. I cant pinpoint where my depression comes from. Is it the traumatic events that i have experienced? or is it just the sheer fact that we all die in the end anyway? Whatever it is, i know i’m going to die soon and i am okay with that and all’s i hope is that you are okay with that too. I’m sorry and I love you but please know i wanted this.

2 years ago

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