I used to cry all the time over the stupidest things. I just let all of my emotions out in front of everybody. I just exploded regularly, I was just a ten or eleven year old having a massive, moody, temper tantrum. I was emotionally unstable, and honestly, I can't say that I'm not now. I blame the fifth grade for my regular explosions. I didn't have a single friend and felt completely alone in this world, I mean I'm not really surprised that nobody wanted to be friends with me since I was clingy because of social anxiety and a two-faced liar. Around two years pass, and I grow older. I can no longer express my feelings. I unconsciously bottle everything up. I have friends because I push every suicidal and depressing thought deep down and then cry my eyes out at night. I really sound pathetic, don't I? At least now nobody really knows that I'm a mess. When all of my plans are being ruined and everything is going the wrong way I ignore it, and deal with it when I'm alone. I don't even attempt to comprehend it until three in the morning when I'm just having an emotional breakdown because everything fucking sucks. And the scary part about this is I don't do it on purpose. I'm scared for my health and I'm scared that nobody will like me. I texted my friend some stupid stuff and suicidal messages and whatnot on accident because I was begging for help or just wanting to talk to someone about something because everything around me is boring and gray and depressing. She showed actual concern and I blocked her. Of course I did. I have everything that I want and yet I'm not happy, I will never be happy, I feel like I'm depressed and I know I've got some terrible anxiety but I can't open up to anybody because for some reason I can't muster up the courage to ask for help besides what I've tried before. I literally block out those who care about me. I feel terrible that she has to worry about a mess like me, since my whole personality is fake anyway. I want to die sometimes but I don't have the guts to kill myself and who knows how my sister and my mom would feel. Of course, every interaction with them is just a fake personality. Even the anger is fake. I wish I was a bad actor. Thank you for reading my little rant.

1 year ago

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