I have lost so many friends in the past couple months. People keep saying its for the best and it does kinda feel good to get all those toxins out of my life but I felt like I depended on them. They were just someone I could rely on. The more I think about them the more hurt and broken I feel. I've let them go but I haven't let the memories. They are everywhere. At the school. Snapchat memoirs. My parents ask about them. I just want somebody I can rely on and they can rely on me. Iv had so many one sided friendships and it hurts so bad because the beeping you get into the friendship the more you realize how much they don't care. Ive stopped telling people what I have been doing, feeling, etc. I always feel like such a burden to people and its sad. I don't have a therapist anymore and I honestly don't know how I am doing. I feel fine when im around everyone and talking to any friends and playing video game. As soon as I actually am not doing anything I break down. Im always trying to hid my feelings and make myself seem ok by disguising it but nobody notices how much pain I am in. I don't think its really pain though. Because im numb. But the pain has turned into anger. Im always so angry and I don't know how to control it and it scares me. Im scared that im going to loose more friends because I am always getting so mad. I punch walls a lot. ,y hand are almost never bruised. I also cut but I haven't don't that in two weeks. I was almost two months but I fuvked that up. Its almost as I crave the feeling of mystery. like I feel naked when the scars start to fade. it feels so good to get all my anger out. But then I have to hide it. Thats the thrill of it. It kinda fun actually. Then the shower starts to sting. And when my clothes run against it it starts burning. and the scabs become itchy. that's when I fall into a depressive stave. I stop eating. drinking water. brushing my teeth. picking up the facetime calls. doing my homework. going on my phone. I start loosing hair and gaining sleep. I want to tell people that this is happening. so I know im not alone. or that at least people are there for me. there for comfort. they are emotionally there for me. but I have stopped that. I've stooped telling people what goes on in my head. I joke around about it but no one takes the hints. if anyone is reading this. I don’t have the worst life in the world. I have two divorced parents. my moms annoying boyfriend. and my dads nice girlfriend. I have a brother and a half brother. he's a baby so he cry a lot. I always wonder to myself if my mom had a baby to start a new family. maybe she didn't like my brother and i. she also wants to move out in the country. she never wanted to move out in the country. she now loves this new cabin my moms boyfriend built. she always used to love tents. I want to go back to how it was before. y moms boyfriend is really rude to my brother. and he talks about us. I feel guilty saying these things but I don't get him. he cam be so nice but so weird. its like an uncomfy feeling. my mom dissent really understand self harm. she told me to stop for her. i dont know if she thinks I have. but I've stopped letting her in on my life so who knows. I have more and more cuts ever month. its getting hard to hid them and summer is around the corner. what the fuck am I supposed to do. im so insure of my body. im disgusting. I always wear sweat pants and a hoodie. I try so hard to stop eating. but my parents would freak if I didn't, anyways. I have a house over my head. I have two dogs. I have a laptop. a phone. a piano. both of my parents are still alive. im not getting abused. but im just depressed. im so tired of living. its not just the boys by the way. Ive had 2 boyfriends. 1 was really toxic. but we had good times. he said really mean and horrible things to me after he broke up with me after accusing me of cheating. then he tried to get back together, when I said no he got mad again. so he asked me again. and I said. no. he got even more mad. 2. he was different. he used me for my body. he would always ask me to show my ass. and ask me to call him dadddy. we kissed once and he asked me out a week later? anyways. there wastes one guy I was talking to. he wad perfect in my eyes, I can't stop thinking about him. I don't think he cares about me though. we hit it off really well. we would talk everyday. we FaceTimed. he would send me voice messages always text me goodnight. and he was very respectful. until it started getting toxic. I didn't even realize. so we just mutually unadded? and stopped talking. im running low on word oh boy. Ive been trying to get more online friends lately. just so I can tear myself away from this shit city I live it. with all these shit people. my best friend moved really far away. so I can't see her anymore. I miss her. and my other friend can barley hang out. I don't really hang with many otters people. I have like no words left. if anyone read this I love you so much.

2 years ago

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