My Past Relationships pt.1

I need somehow to externalize these thoughts, this seems like a safe way to do so. It's hard to not value compare my life to my past. Because I used to have plenty of attention from girls, plenty of girlfriends, and sharing affection with girls in the past, and now for the past 5 years I haven't had nearly any, it's difficult to rationalize that something isn't wrong. I think I have come to grips with it, but it still surfaces to my consciousness. And I'm not sure how to label it within my rational mind. Logically I would conclude that something was wrong with me. I seem to always turn to self worth when analyzing how girls interact with me. Practically its probably mostly due to me moving to a very low population are compared to a dense population, as well as a major decrease in activities to bring about meeting people. It still doesn't shake the fact that not a single girl has shown any interest for me in 5 years. That has to mean something. I went through the stages pretty early on and for a long time. I'd say for 3 years I wallowed in self pity. But even accepting the fact doesn't patch the yearning to share your mind, body, and spirit with someone. I could be subconsciously creating this scenario due to the past. Interactions with my last girlfriend (5 years ago) have branded deep wounds on my psyche. The welts from jealousy and rage/pain frighten me to ever allow myself to be vulnerable again. I can trace the evolution of my relationships with girls from my first girlfriend. It's interesting to go back to emails of that time, with the perspectives I have now. To contrast the changes in my personality. Yet kernals of myself remain omnipresent. My first girlfriend I was extremely open with. My extreme emotions and overthinking of things were onloaded upon her all the time. She was very honest with me, and times I couldn't handle the truth. But we were very open and honest, and got to experience things vividly and raw. We got together in such a harmonious and mutual way. We experienced all our firsts together. We waited 8 months to have sex. She was very careful and particular about those things. Romance waned at some point. It was obvious she was less interested in me. Eventually she broke up with me. I was shattered. A lingering motif from our relationship was the feeling of somebody witholding something from you. While I may not know the intricacies of her position, that was my perspective/experience. I decided if anybody wanted to share love experience with me I wouldn't with hold it from them like I felt like she did with me. With that mindset along with raging hormones, I earned a fair share of hard lessons. My first girlfriend was the first person I kissed, and the same person I lost my virginity to. She was somebody whom I spent a lot of time exploring and learning eachothers boundaries and tendencies. To then have flings, without the established comfort of knowing somebody intimately first, was strikingly awful for me. I ruined some friendships with girls because we experimented with eachother. The various uncomfortable and awkward tustles didn't however hinder my drive. But soon enough a girl in school took an interest in me. She had an in depth taste in music, and was aggressive to say the least. Within a week of meeting her I was already within her house. And she pounced me. Which this time continued as a relationship. Finally somebody I could feel comfortable with. And best of all she's crazy about me! no witholding love at all However this came at a price. We had to play things her way always. Oops I thought I had way more space to write xD Should I just make this a multi parter? I hope if whoever is reading this can gleam something useful I am writing from my perspective in hopes to shed my own light on my life. This is feeling really cathartic so imma just keep going for the long haul. Anyways now I was in a relationship where I was a puppy dog pet to a selfish emotionally unstable girl. Yet I was happy as a clam to be so. The fact that in this relationship my girlfriend wanted me physically all the time, in contrast to my first relationship, made me conclude this was the best thing ever. I am extremely fortunate she didn't get pregnant. It is some kind of miracle because we were not using any form of protection. She was telling me she was on birth control in the beginning. But at some point she admitted that she had stopped taking it for months. Yet for a whole year she never got impregnated. I just concluded I was infertile and risked it. Which I guess could be true but I've never been tested. Eventually I got more into music than she was comfortable with. Many times driving 30 minutes to my cousins house to write music she would demand that I come back and spend time with her. She ended up cheating on me and told me. I was absolutely demolished. I couldn't eat for days. Despite how bad she treated me in some ways, I truly loved her. We shared so many experiences.

2 years ago

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