I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit. I’ve never heard the lords voice. I didn’t feel any differently when I came up from the water after my baptism. When I was young I thought that spiritual feeling everyone talked about would come when I got older. When I was mature enough to appreciate what the lord had done for me. But I got older and I studied and instead of becoming closer to god I started to have questions. I had many questions but the one I most focused on was “who created God?”. Yah, the same question Christians used to challenge The Big Bang “how does something come from nothing” is the same question I wanted them to answer. It didn’t make any sense but I convinced myself that my worldly Mind just couldn’t comprehend the spiritual world. God must not have wanted us to know everything…and doesn’t god have a plan? I forced myself to believe this because the alternative was terrifying. I was afraid of death. I knew that if there was no god then that meant one day I would just stop existing. And that fear must be why it is the norm to believe in a heavenly after life. I made a conscious decision to stop thinking too deeply about it. I was too afraid that I would uncover an undeniable truth that I would not like. It wasn’t until I felt actual love that the undeniable truth hit me in the face. This isn’t about (my boyfriend), but it wasn’t until I felt love free of jealousy, free of selfishness, love with the purest and best intentions that it became abruptly clear that the character depicted in the Bible could not possibly love me. God was jealous, he was vindictive, and he played childish games. Our “All knowing God” did not answer all of my questions but instead told me to guess..or “have faith” and blindly follow him to his beautiful promise he called heaven. But following him means giving up all of the things that I love..and giving up all the things I love without any real reassurance that it would pay off in the end. Do you know what scares me more than the threat “our dear lord” has made against me (eternal damnation)..? What scares me more than that is having 1 life to live and wasting it chasing a lie instead of fully indulging in the “sins” I so love. Do you honestly mean to tell me the same god that commanded me not to gamble is asking me to gamble my life!?! If there was a god and he truly loved me he would not ask me to blindly make a decision with so much at stake.

2 years ago

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