Life Lately

I am frustrated. I don't know if I am mad at myself or the rest of the world. I have, for so long, let myself reach rock bottom. All while I think everything is changing for the better I am slowly sinking. I fall into a pit and I feel like the world is burying me under but the shovel is in my hands and I can't stop myself. Every time I get like this I lose myself, I look in the mirror and cry. I cry for the person I am. I cry for the person I was. I cry for the person I am becoming. I feel bad for her because she has never gotten a chance to be herself. Every time I start to slip, at this point, I let it happen, every time. I don't know what else I can do. I am so used to hurt that I don't have enough time to fully heal. I want to scream but I feel like my voice has been taken. I want to see but my eyes have been taken. I want to experience pure happiness without having to program my brain to artificially feel it and I don't think I ever will, it will be the death of me. I will be the death of me.